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Oct. 3rd, 2015 10:32 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~Insight into my Damage...

We got an 18 cup Brita water dispenser because my local pal Pasty Ruth told me there were 'local water issues', like Erin Brockovich kinda issues. She's actually supposed to be here soon to address the local political body – a gaggle of greedy useless fucks – about said water issues.

Anyway, it started leaking after a day or so. And I immediately went to 'everything I get is fucked'. But we figured out – Le-Le mostly – that the bolt holding the spigot in place was loose and just needed to be tightened. Now it's fine.

But that “I Can't Have Anything” programming is still hard wired into my psyche – though I have loosened it somewhat in the past few years – and that is the direct result of El Padrasto's actions over the decades. I was offered/promised Something Good and then is was some how ruined and/or taken away. Even the few things that I came up with myself were subjected to the same treatment.

There is a long list of these types of events and situations that are too tiring to list, but they run right up until shit blew up at Hotel Hell in Sept, 2003.

For a long time I thought it was me. Then I realized it was them – my mother participated in this – but did not understand why. Then I figured out that it was actually designed to 'keep my down/dependent', but assumed it was a Control Issue on El Padrasto's part, that he needed to be King Shit in the Family System, which is certainly a factor.

But in the past year old memories have clarified and an uglier set of motivations have come into focus....

….and I'll just leave it at that for reasons that I'm also not ready to share.
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~For me the most difficult aspect of writing is not coming up with ideas, etc. I've lived nearly all of my life since childhood in one type of fantasy world or another, so can pull concepts, plots and characters out of my hat all day. [I said 'hat' to be polite]

No, for me the most difficult aspect of writing is my mood swings when I'm truly In Process. That is how I can tell if I'm just fooling around or really doing the do. If I'm chill, it's the former. But when I start to have Manic Highs and Depressive Lows, I'm actually At Work. *sigh*

I just got a good dose of the latter a little while ago. I was buzzing this morning, having some quite useful revelations about how to most effectively work my Process, which I'll get to shortly.

But barely a half an hour after getting up form an admittedly poor nap, reading items on my FB Wall, I just...'crashed', hopelessness washing over me. And yes, I do take my Happy Pills, but they only work so far.

This isn't being Bi-Polar. It's just good old fashion Manic-Depressive ideation. It only becomes an issue when I don't catch it and recognize it for what it is; my Writer's Blues. *deep breath*

Okay, what I realized this morning came to me as the result of posting the rest of the text and notes of the unfinished chapters of my Fan-Fic novel. The revelation was that what had made writing those chapters so much fun was that, as I say in the intro, someone else had done all the heavy lifting of world building and backstory all I had to do was play there, and that therefore what I should do with my own new novel is simply play with 'all the heavy lifting of world building and backstory' until it was fleshed out enough to get down to the Serious Writing, you know, chapters and dialog and all that good shit.

Obviously, this is not even close to being an original discovery. Hell, even I knew this already...but this morning it hit me on a visceral level, which is where such things truly count. Now, my task is to remember that while I surf my mood swings.

There was a bunch more I had to say, but now I feel better, so I'll let it lay. [a cup of coffee etc helped too]


..I know it's trouble when I start to unconsciously rhyme..

Random

May. 23rd, 2014 07:12 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~So...we're broke as fuck, overdrawn at the bank – despite all my careful planning – and I probably have Psoriasis. *sigh*

I've scraped together a small shopping list, will take in the recycling tomorrow, head to WinCo...and then we hang tight until next Friday when we get out first cheques. *more sighs*

The Psoriasis is no doubt being caused by the endless stress. I was supposed to go to Rural Health in the second half of April, but all the automotive shit got in the way. Monday I'll make an appointment for the first Wednesday in June so I get the doctor I like.

All this aggro has derailed my plans to get an estimate for the brakes. Guess that gets to wait a bit longer, as well.

I certainly have more to bitch about, but now I'm tired....

Random

Apr. 24th, 2014 08:18 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~As I said on Twitter last night, one of my crazy fans bought us a AAA account, so we just need to call them and somebody will come out here and put the 'donut' on. That'll hold us for local runs until after the first, when I'll head down to Lancaster and get some retreads for the backend of the trucklette.

Meanwhile, I'm a bit hungover from yesterday. This shit gets me so fucking wound up. Le-Le tells me to chill because 'you cannot do anything about it until tomorrow', but I'm simply not wired that way. I am a Deep Seated Obsessive and I do not expect that to change anytime soon. The only thing that I have found to ever cure that is Money, because Money allows one to make plans and take action in a clear fashion.

...and there you have it.

Random

Apr. 1st, 2014 05:33 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~Sad dreams full of loss and abandonment this last sleep cycle. Had to wake a few times to look around my room to consciously remind myself that I'm safe and okay. I also cried when I finally woke up completely.

About a week back a friend asked about breakups and getting over them. I brought up the 50% Rule, that it takes half the length of the relationship to recover from its loss. That got me thinking about Family Systems. I wondered if that rule applied in their case.

I spent just under fifty years inside my Primary Family System [Mumsie and El Padrasto hooked up when I was two and half] and I've been gone from that insanity for just over a decade now. If the 50% Rule applies, that means I've got about another fourteen years to go before I'm 'over it'. *sigh*

Well, my old man is going to be eighty four in a week and his father lived till ninety, so I suppose I could have a decade or two free and clear of that shit. Mix in some Transhumanist goodies and then who knows...

Random

Jul. 25th, 2012 01:31 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~The heat wave has receded. [it's only 93° at half past one] The house is slowly coming together. And I've been getting plenty of sleep. Therefore it is time to start obsessing about finances. *sigh*

Such as we're gonna be spending roughly half of our monthly income on the house [rent, electricity, water, etc] and the storage space. I really won't know full on until the end of August when we've got some kind of overview.

I'm worried that we'll get back to that 'starving the last week of the month' paradigm we had three years ago when we finally had it with The Note Holder. But, again, I really won't have a decent idea of such until we've had a few months to determine things.

The swamp cooler uses a lot less juice than the AC and we're dealing directly with SoCal Ed here. I'm quite certain the old park padded the electric bill. So there's that probable off-set.

Anyway, I'm driving myself a bit nuts with that and I'd really like to just fucking chill. It's gonna be what it's gonna be and besides, this is a short term issue, as in just a year or so, because once the VA finally gives in on Le-Le 100% Disability, we'll be fine.

Oh yeah, I'm also bugging myself quietly about not springing to The Page even though we've not even been in here a month yet and have like nine months of serious fucking double-barreled aggro still barely fading in the rear view mirror.

And that's the name of that mother fucking tune...

Random

Jul. 7th, 2012 12:18 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~So, symptomology strongly indicates at least a partial retinal detachment. I'm suspecting that Rural Health will refer me to a hospital with actual ophthalmology department, probably their sponsoring facility Tehachapi Hospital. *sigh*

I pushed very very hard last Sunday, even had a dizzy spell that knocked my legs up from under me. No doubt my blood pressure was 'elevated' a bit, which could have effected my eyes. Of course, this is going to go toward 'Pain and Suffering' when we get around to Bette Fucking Goldenring.

Meantime, we'll chill this weekend. We did do a big ass shopping and overpaid because it was Albertson's, but neither one of us was up to a WinCo run. Le-Le drove and I poodled around the store, though she did catch up with me in the frozen food isle riding a gimp cart. Her, not me. I staggered around upright. lol

And at the moment I'm fed, supplemented, medicated and watching crime drama. That's all for now...

Entropy

May. 15th, 2012 09:06 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~I'm at that place where if I still took the notion seriously I'd be suicidal. But I know that is not something I'm going to do unless I was terminally ill. Right now, I'm just fucked up in the head, which, for better or worse, is largely survivable.

/break

I just related the above to Le-Le out on the porch and noted it would be 'bad form' to kill myself on her birthday. She agreed.

I'm very clear on what my fucking problem is: I can't fucking write and, Goddess help me, I have become a fucking writer. [be careful what you wish for]

I can't write because I have no space to be peaceful. The last thing I did was Addendum D: [Calendar for A New Matriarchy]. That was finished, more or less, last September 15th [25th Novembria]. At that point I needed about two or three weeks to decompress, reboot and Face The Page again.

But just as that process was completing, the fucking Oathbreaker came in – making all the right noises about Sisterhood and Recovery – and sucked all the air out of the room for the next three months. And then right after we got rid of her sorry ass fucking Bette Goldenring started her fucking 'you owe me' bullshit. *string of Imprecations*

The issue here is that I think about tomorrow. That's just who I am and it is in fact what I write about. When I'm under this kind of survival pressure, that peace I need to write, to not have any immediate worries about food or a place to sleep and so on, goes right out the fucking window.

I said to Le-Le that I watch Crime Drama to 'clean the slate'. But without anything on said slate, it just becomes filler, a time killer, and that makes me even more...'discontent'.

I get out of bed and part of me starts looking for what it is I'm going to be working on that day [or night] and there has been nothing 'there' for over eight months now. That is an intolerable psycho-emotional void...and I just get to fucking 'deal with it'.

I type out lil rants like this, but this is not real writing to me. It's just...well, 'ranting'.

And now I'm typed out....
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~I'm so calm and peaceful it's making me nervous.

Random

Apr. 18th, 2012 02:30 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. Keep writing 'legal letters' in my head when I lay down.

Saw our lawyer today, a Good News/Bad News session. Bad News is That Woman will likely win her case against us. Good News is the operative word here is eventually. We paid him a retainer fee and now a war of attrition begins. *sigh*

We're still working on a loan to get into a new place. Both aspects are going to last for months. It'd be nice if That Woman would let up, but I suspect she's delusional. She's coming after this joint like it was the fucking Taj Mahal.

Truth is, she's gonna die in the red no matter what she does. She gave $74,000 to The Note Holder, is already about $6000 into The Ambulance Chaser, this place is neither salable nor rentable at this point and if/when it ever is, it'll not fetch more than $20/25K.

Whatever....

Random

Mar. 25th, 2012 10:33 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~I am tired and sad today. Nothing especially terrible has happened here. It's actually been a quiet and peaceful day more or less. It rained, which help me sleep. There's food in the fridge and the garbage is all out on the curb. It's comfy inside and I have crime drama saved on my desktop.

I'm tired from both the ongoing Housing Issue, which is still 'in process' and because I was tired when I did a WinCo run at three this morning. I was starting to lose it on my way back and dropped right into bed like two minutes after unloading the trucklette and was out cold for five hours.

I'm sad for more reasons than I can possible list...

Close to home, the Housing Issue is taking its toll on Le-Le. I can suck it up when it comes to myself, but seeing her go through that upsets me badly.

And then there is The World...

These types of hateful idiots seem endless. And the litany of evil is certainly not restricted to White Folks as this documentary/article on slavery in Mauritania shows. I could not watch/read more than a tenth of the thing.

I'm in that space where all I wish to do is hide in my room. I think, “Her fucking Prophet indeed. More like 'dinky dog of terror' as Bukowski used to say. You think you can change the fucking World, asshole? The fucking World will fucking crush you and break fucking your heart fifty fucking times while doing so.”

*sigh*

Random

Mar. 14th, 2012 02:35 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~Okay, this is a particularly unpleasant manifestation. Had deeply weird dreams about going to some low rent movie theater and then trying to sleep in one of its 'side rooms'. There was an endless parade of weird shit going in there and I 'couldn't sleep'. [that's about fear of being homeless] I'd wake up here for real in my room, but now it's starting to not 'feel' like My Room anymore. That sense of Yes, This Is My Room has calmed me many times, but now it seems it's fading as we push forward to move. That I've seen the room that will likely become 'my new room' has probably cranked that feeling up.

This is a disconcerting development. Thing is, I really love this room. *chokes up*

Random

Mar. 6th, 2012 08:18 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~First of all, I hate moving. Even if it's only around the corner, to a better house, with a legitimate payment structure that is actually reasonable and not the vig left overs of a fucking real estate scam.

That said, there are still a few moving parts to this deal that have to aline. Personally, I'm doing my best to focus upon what is in front of me and let The Universe handle the rest. We are attending to all of the various moving parts as best we can..and some of them we have no mundane control over.

That I hate more than moving. Survival Issue uncertainty. Ugh. Such is the stuff of which PTSD is built.

Anyway, I'm more or less okay on a day to day basis. I just want this to finish up and be settled into our new place so I can stop thinking about this all the time and focus upon writing once more. That makes me crazy enough without all this other bullshit.

Random

Feb. 23rd, 2012 06:55 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~So, worst case scenario, we've got two to four months left under this roof. The outcome depends upon the confabulations between our lawyer and theirs. We expect something less drastic will be worked out as the issue is about money and pushing us out the door will cost the other side maybe ten grand right out of the gate; court costs, back taxes, rehabbing the house, then selling or renting it plus paying the monthly lot rent while doing so.

We've always been willing to make some kind of payment, but only to someone who has a legal standing at the very least. Part of what will now be revealed is whether or not this woman has any, which is the very question I asked her a year and a half ago, getting no substantive answer. One will now be forthcoming as it's Lawyer vs Lawyer and billable hours are involved.

If she does not in fact have an enforceable claim, then we're back to Square One vis-a-vis The Note Holder. Our lawyer suspects she has 'something actionable' or her lawyer, whom he knows, would likely not have taken her case. I'm rather more cynical. But we should know more soon, possible by the end of this week, certainly by the beginning of next.

At least the fear of Sheriffs [or whomever] At The Door is abated. But the overall issue of where we are going to be living is still up in the air. For those of us in The PTSD Club, that is a highly uncomfortable place to be.

Random

Feb. 19th, 2012 08:35 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~I'd say my general State of Being would best be described as All Over The Map.

It's a little more that three weeks since The Flight of The Oath Breaker and we're healing slowly but steadily...which is as ever not fast enough for me. I want to be Totally Fucking Fine Right Now! and I make myself kinda crazy with that on a regular basis. It's that fucking Patience Lesson that still dogs me.

My writing is roiling just below the surface and yet I'm still not able to muster the...'whatever' to effectively Face The Page. I put various Explanation work files back on my desktop, but so far nothing has popped. It seems I'm much happier playing in The Imperium. That's what lulls me to sleep. I do make notational files on that thing at least, stashing them in the larger working files folder when I finish poodling around with them.

My Higher Self knows that all this will take time. But my 'less higher selves' look around at the unfolding horror of the human condition and despairs...and then castigates 'us' for being so fucking arrogant as to think 'we' could ever have even the minutest effect upon any of it.

I also realize I need to weep some more for a number of reasons I really don't feel like elaborating. I just do. And that tap seems mostly stuck as well. Certain bits of fictional drama manage to wring a few tears out from time to time.

There is a short list of legal tasks that we need to undertake, too...*sigh*

No, I need to just chill for now....

Stress Flow

Feb. 5th, 2012 05:54 pm
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~It seems my stress starts at the top and works its way down. First my neck and shoulders tighten up. Then when the stressor itself has passed, and they loosen up, my guts go all to hell. Finally it shoots out my ass in a hot stream of liquid shit.

I'm in the middle phase right now...
nebris: (The Temple 2)
~No, it's not that I'm crazy. Not only did that horse leave the barn a long time ago, but even all the glue made from said beast has been fully affixed to whatever.

What I'm worried about is my Depression. I fear it is deeper than I want to admit. I have not been able to re-start on The Explanation. [I'm not even hyperlinking it at this point] And that leaves me without Purpose. Such does not make me suicidal, it merely puts me in a place where I am simply surviving day by day, largely indifferent to anything else. For me, that is a living death...and that is very depressing.

I have a fairly clear idea of the things that are blocking me..and there is nothing I can do about most of them right now. All I can do is Survive....
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~Slept for another four plus hours and the was awake. Guess I'm in an Up/Down sleeping cycle again. Full Moon's probably part of that.

Frustrated that I haven't been able to write. Squeezed out bits and pieces, but that feels pretty much like it sounds; the excretory metaphor is quite apt.

Been thinking about what I call 'proto-Mandroids'. Those would be True Males converted in the 'early days', violent offenders who, instead of being locked away or executed, would be put to good use as simple laborers, most likely in agriculture. They'd be castrated, lobotomized and Brain Boxed [see Dr. Jose Delgado] and then sent to the fields. This would be an interim measure until actual Mandriods could be properly bred, though it could be used as a 'judicial solution' until True Men are extinct.

Ah, it felt good to write that. *evil laughter*
nebris: (The Temple 2)
~There have been Money Issues, Housing Issues, Internet Issues and Holiday Issues [with the attendant family system dreams] all of which have impacted my State of Mind and my Health with their cumulative Stress. As best as I can tell none these Issues are of Crisis proportions, but together they've taken their toll.

I re-started work on a short Cyber Witch story three/four days back and it moved quickly. But the editing has totally bogged down and now I'm feeling disheartened regarding finishing The Explanation. My mind simply will not latch onto the thing again. Right now I'm just marking time and doing my best not to slip into a Black Dog.

I'm really not happy at all....

Random

Jan. 3rd, 2012 08:07 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~Three days ago my neck was really killing me. I did a little self massage, got some relief and took a nap. But when I woke up, the ache and soreness had spread. I took a hot shower and seemed to get some relief, but now I felt sick, like 'flu sick'.

This continued into the next day. More self massage. More hot showers. Even added my heating pad to the mix.

Finally, yesterday early evening, after a nine hour sleep, the 'flu-like feeling' passed. I'm still kinda sore – I hold my shit in my neck – but I no longer feel toxic. And I'll have that, thank you....

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The Divine Mr. M

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