ramble

Dec. 13th, 2016 05:51 am
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
…I have dreams of hunting and being hunted by pod people…their numbers are endless…a small voice whispers inside of me, “Save The World, Save The World,”…my team is strong and capable and our bullets keep finding their mark…the satisfying bloody explosion of skulls…but there are too many of them and they are very well organized…in the end, the last few of us set off a nuke..all is erased in thermonuclear brightness…I wake up…tinnitus screams in my right ear…my mouth is dry…and my legs hurt…at least my bowels still work…other day begins in early morning darkness…time to try saving the world one more time…

Random

Jun. 17th, 2012 03:00 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~When I got up around 8pm I took a shit. It was the first solid shit I'd taken since at least 2am Thursday. It's not that I had diarrhea pre se, just that my shit ranged in texture and exiting from runny pudding casually plopping out to pure liquid spraying as from a soda fountain. Nasty to be sure, but En Excreta Veritas, eh?

Anyway, I took this change of texture to be a good sign, one meaning that I'm finally recovering.

I'm still obsessing of course, though now about finding a rental.

That is at the core of my issues, my Disability, my Damage. I have a vivid imagination and a negative attitude. This tends to equal Depression, PTSD, OCD and a whole host of other delightful conditions.

And yes, this all stems from my insane childhood. One depressive alcoholic mother, one control freak ragaholic step-father. That they are both charming and brilliant and attractive simply makes matters worse as how could such lovely people really be that fucking abusive.

The two key elements of that abuse were One: I never knew when shit would hit the fan and Two: whatever I loved or valued would always be taken away. And this in the midst of a lot of money. [step-father made his first million dollars in 1961]

Yeah, yeah, poor me. 'Get over it'. 'Plenty of others had it worse'. Etc. for those thinking all that, trust me, that type of thinking is also abusive. Like telling someone who just had a pet die, “What are you crying about? I just lost my mother,” as if there is some value hierarchy of pain.

All that is pure shaming and is telling that person that their feelings do not really matter simply because there is greater pain in the world. That breeds mental illness and is a Spiritual Crime.

I say this with such vehemence because as I typed out those words about my issues, I could hear that shaming in my head. And in the back, the ever popular, “I'll give you something to really cry about.”

When we have no mechanism to acknowledge our pain and release it, it festers and poisons us. Every one of my addictive behaviors was pain management, pure and simple. Many of those I have met in Recovery have said the same about their 'adventures' as well.

I suppose all this is pouring out, like my liquid shit, because of the confluence of Lawfare Phase One ending and Father's Day.

I few years ago I had the good fortune to be able to resolve things with my father. It took a fucking half a century to happen, but it did happen. Not many get to do that in my experience. That he himself did a lot of inner work is what made that possible, too. It wasn't all me by any means. Largely what I did was merely to affirm the correctness of his path.

The unhappy colliery to this is that my mother has not done any of that work and I suspect she shall go to her grave with our relationship unresolved. That is pretty painful, truth be told.

My step-father...? I have a Google Alert for his name, waiting to hear that he has died. I then plan to piss upon his grave at the first opportune moment. I'll post a pic, too.

Okay, I really didn't expect all that to come bubbling up. Guess I am feeling better if I can face that nasty shit, all puns intended.

Think Good Thoughts about rentals for us, boys and girls. And so it is...

Nebs Sez

Jun. 10th, 2012 07:49 pm
nebris: (A Proper General)
"I agree that the dividing line between Steampunk and Dieselpunk is more one of World View than Technology per se, though obviously the latter is The Key Element.

The first decade or so of the 20th Century is really an overlap of the two. Steampunk slowing fading out and Dieselpunk rapidly moving in. But I would go so far as to submit there is a dividing line that is very clear.

Geographically it can be placed at The Latin Bridge in Sarajevo. Temporally it can be placed at around 11am local time on June 28th, 1914. That is of course the time and location of the assassination of the Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife Sophie by Gavrilo Princip, the event that sparked the First World War.

In some ways we of the present cannot understand how WWI totally changed the psycho-emotional landscape of Europe. We have grown up in a world where Technological Total War is a 'fact of life', where Area Bombing and Death Camps are simply What Men Do In War. Our collective awareness is steeped in these things.

But WWI created such a profound change as to reach Metaphysical dimensions. Note that Carl Jung thought he was going mad in 1913/14 because he was being tormented by 'apocalyptic nightmares' that suddenly made sense when the war broke out.

The Great War utterly destroyed the somewhat naïve Victorian/Edwardian belief in the unalloyed benefits of Progress and in its aftermath Europeans – and to a lesser extent Americans – split up into the Cynical, the Opportunistic and the Fanatic, all marching on the road toward the greatest Dieselpunk Event in history; the Second World War.

And that War, in which all sides behaved monstrously out of the sheer necessity of survival, is the one shaped our modern world view and therefore created a psycho-cultural distance from the Pre-WWI mindset that is almost unbridgeable.

It does however, as I proposed above, give us a very clear dividing line between the two genres. I firmly believe that any discussion of the relative outlooks of Steampunk and Dieselpunk one must, at the very least, pay attention to which side of the Latin Bridge ones outlook actually originates." ..comment on Steampunk and Dieselpunk: A Comparison – Part 2

Random

Dec. 8th, 2011 12:42 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~Had to run around yesterday morning. Knocked me out of course. I'm still running on vapors.

I did however spend an hour early in the AM working on some details of The Festival of The Turning. [see Matriarchal Calender] Slowly I'm moving back to working on The Explanation. It's been a few weeks now and I'm getting restless, though I'll likely not fully jump back in until after The Turning.

I have other shit to talk about, but right now I'm gonna get a bit more sleep...

Nebs Sez

Nov. 26th, 2011 09:03 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
"The Modern World is an Anglo-European construct. Look at any gathering of world leaders and you'll see that almost all of them, regardless of race and national origin, are wearing Western style business attire. One needs to wear that uniform to be considered Serious. Even the Saudis tend to wear suits in private meetings, basically dismissing their Arabic robes as a 'domestic political necessity'.

Now While folks like to believe that Europe, and especially England, came to dominate the world because of Innate Racial Superiority. Makes even the poorest hillbillies feel better about themselves, and yes, I'll say it; “My life may be shit, but at least I ain't no nigger.” And while they likely see Black folks in their mind when they say that, they really mean any non-White.

The reality that Europeans were for the most part simply lucky in teams of geography and history is beyond the ken of even many educated White people and a fair number of non-Whites as well. That's something that is probably psycho-emotionally impossible to give up..at least not without violence.

The flip side of all of this is that when the shoe is on the other foot, non-White peoples have behaved in the exact same fashion – 'the boot on the neck' - and I'm sure will do so again. Look at Chinese history for example. Or ask the Bantu about the Zulu.

See, we really are all the same under the skin. And it ain't pretty...."

...comment upon What Happens When Class Warriors Ignore Race?

Random

Oct. 21st, 2011 02:26 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~Again, no joy on my MediCal – Monday like I figured - so I just broke my fucking heart and spent the cash. There is supposedly a reimbursement process which you can be certain I shall pursue. I might of blown it off if it was only twenty seven bucks, but we're up to like seventy eight now and I'm fucking pissed. I am however grateful that I actually had the extra fucking cash to spend.

Sister T was talking about how LA County is using non-student/non-job seeking/non-psyche GR recipients to work 'in system' and that that has probably let the system 'catch up', which also means 'screw up'. The gal at the pharmacy also said a number of people have recently complained about problems with their MediCal, so that seems a likely cause.

Anyway, I took a half dose right away and will take the other half at my usual time later on, then take the full dose the tomorrow night.

I did sleep well last night because I had already made the above decision re: my meds. That took a lot of pressure off of me. I also realized what the Lesson of this particular clusterfuck was; that I can one day get off psyche meds, which has been my goal all along.

I don't take a lot – 10mgs of Lexapro per dium – and they were always meant to be an interim measure whose purpose was to help me deal with my OCD/PTSD. I have done a lot of healing in the past eight years. [started on these meds in Oct '03] I could see that though I was 'stressed and fried', I never at any point 'lost my shit'. I operated from Solution the entire time.

Part of that is being seventeen years Sober. Part of that is having a safe and supportive environment. Part of that is Sober companionship. Part of that is taking nutritional supplements. And part of that is having a clear Purpose.

I'll require more elements to finally end my need for meds. Body work, lots of body work, including brutal shit like Rolfing, and better overall nutrition. That obviously spells More Money. But all that will arrive in due course.

And so it is...
nebris: (A Guru)
"I have always thought there might be a lot of cash in starting a new religion..." ~George Orwell

Random

Sep. 5th, 2011 06:06 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~I've been on a really 'tight rotation' Up/Down sleep cycle, like three/four hours up and then about that down. Mah Brāne has been Brāning like fuck. Mostly that's about working on The Explanation. I'm in the process of writing two new Addenda and excising an existing one. This will also mean re-posting the entire thing, a modestly daunting task.

And of course I'm still coming down off my whole Birthday Blues bullshit. [I first wrote it 'bitchday' lol] I'll leave this at that. Got a few Pages I need to Face.

And there ya have it....

Nebs Sez

Aug. 28th, 2011 12:29 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
"I thought of starting a Jesus Cult - have a great concept - but I can't blow that much bullshit for any length of time."

Nebs Sez

Aug. 24th, 2011 06:50 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
"He's not the first Young Firebrand to become a cranky altakaka. Remember most of the Neo-Cons started off as Trotskites. It seems a special affliction of Jewish intellectuals, their heritage steeped in Talmudic thinking. Such can produce genius as if from an assemble line, yet its relentless parsing can lead to endless conflict. Golda Meir once said, "If the Arabs really wanted to destroy us, they'd leave us alone." I suspect Mr. Mamet has internally painted himself into a corner and it has driven him mad." ..comment on Say it isn't so, Mamet?

My tweets

Aug. 20th, 2011 12:08 pm
nebris: (Default)
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~I am substantially improved today. After being up for about six hours or so, I took another 'nap', roughly another six hours. Now I actually feel perky. Sleep is The Great Cure...as I am so fond of saying. And the world is still insane and full of fools, as I once said in a poem. *shrug* Who ya gonna call?
nebris: (Default)
~Earlier today I posted my Budget Crisis Meme over on the Talk Politics Comm. This is a good example what I mean by Meta-Trolling, re stirring up conflict in order to make a Point, as opposed to regular old Trolling, which is stirring up shit just to be a dick...though of course dickishness is certainly part and parcel of Meta-Trolling as well.

So, a few days ago one of the Mods wrote me a long LJ/PM saying he'd seen/read me etc on The Recession and thought my thoughts interesting and would I consider joining his Comm and so on. Apparently he'd forgotten that he and I had flamed rather severely in Under-L's LJ some time last year[?] and that he'd been so ticked off he'd banned my from his own LJ, which I don't think I ever even got to.

My post has the Comm 'all a buzz' – though they seem a might Drama Queenish over there anyway – and I'm not really laughing, but am more cynically amused. There's all this fighting and snarking and dick-swinging about What Is Right, most of it totally ignoring that The Power of The Corporate State is presently Transcendent and that all this is akin to arguing over the details of one's own funeral.

However, this outcome does also point out the general pointlessness of most Meta-Trolling in that those being Trolled, as a rule, will never get the Point being made. It's only use is as an example to display for the detached outside observer...and the Point, more or less, is:

“Our choice as a species is either between the triumph of an essentially fascist Global Corporate Combine – which is pure Patriarchy – a path to near extinction as a species at best or total extinction at worst. Or the New Matriarchy as proposed by my Spirit Guide. That there are other paths is certainly possible, but none of them seem at all likely.”

Of course, if you're a regular reading de moi, you know that already. And so it is....

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Aug. 17th, 2011 12:07 pm
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