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2021-04-23T03:17:52Z

I'm very angry today...

Dreams about my parents thwarting me in something or another. That was my whole life with them and I never could figure out how - or muster the will - to escape it. And now I'm old and all the dreams I had for my life are dead and gone.

I did figure out that what they did was all about Melvin trying to control me. Ultimately that is why he raped me at nine years old. It was to 'teach me a lesson'. It wasn't violent or coercive, it was seductive, the most damaging type of childhood sexual abuse. I was meant to like it and, the first few times, I did.

...and that's all I can handle saying right now.

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Umbra Pravorum

2015-09-18T00:38:49Z

~On this day twelve years ago, my new life, my present life, began....

I wrote that just as I woke up. I had planned an extensive post on all of this, but as I went through that September's LJ entrees...well, I suppose it best not to reopen those wounds too much. Things like this line I wrote just few days before, “I am keeping in mind that I was attacked here because I was happy and that threatens the status quo,” drove that home. And then, a week after the blow-up, "...this whole nightmare is...well, the awfulness of started to sink in finally. I was doing so good. And those fucking monsters simply could not allow that."

It reminded me of how fucking evil Melvin is and how toxic Mumsie had become and some things that have I 'recovered' in the past year now explain that to me and why it was required that I be suppressed. I had expected to just 'live with' these things because I did not want my father to have to deal with them. Too painful and I didn't want to upset the peace we'd finally established. But he is dead now and decisions have to be made....

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The Divine Mr. M

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Umbra Pravorum