nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~I downloaded two old Rod Taylor movies, The Time Machine and Seven Seas to Calais. I realized after I'd done so that I'd first seen both of them at summer camp back in the early Sixties. And I thought about how long ago that was and that my sixty fifth birthday is only a week away and I got very sad.

I should be grateful. I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a nice bed, high speed Internet, and kitties and Le-Le to keep me company.

And these are my feelings right now...which I was going to expound upon in detail, but once I got to this point, such seemed very tiresome and rather too indulgent....
nebris: (Nebs Palms)
~Today was brutal. Made it up to 112°. Just after it got light Le-Le and I put the old AC unit back in her bedroom window for the first time in three years. The heat has been so bad, much hotter than it usually is, that she was rightly worried about getting an MS attack.

That knocked the shit outta both of us. But the AC had helped. All the cats had been laid out in the hallway under the swamp cooler. Now they're all hiding in her room. LOL

Le-Le just rolled back into bed and I will after my BFC [Breakfast Cycle; coffee, fruit or yogurt, a PBJ, various supplements and meds] Need to go down to Lancaster to WinCo as the cupboards are bare. And need to do that before shit starts to cook, though only 105° predicted for today.



Oct. 12th, 2015 03:18 am
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
...barely functioning...physical pain...emotional exhaustion...unable to write...pressure on self because of all that...more depression...'why bother?'...most humans are scum...dystopia here and now every fucking day...and so on...


Sep. 25th, 2015 04:45 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~In the past week and half I have found myself hip deep in local Rosamond politics, specifically a bitter recall election drive. I didn't look for it, it found me, largely because of my Political Trolling on a local FB community. Of course, being the Political Junkie I am, I jumped right in.

But I pushed myself too hard as usual and finally crashed two days ago, nearly puking from exhaustion and the heat on a rare visit to the bank. And then I was so overtired, I could not sleep properly. So yesterday afternoon I took one of Le-Le's muscle relaxers, you know, the ones that knock me flat on my ass for like 36 hours, and went to bed.

That did the trick. I slept from 3ish PM until half past two in the morning. Then I did my Breakfast Cycle and was back in bed by 6AM. I figured I'd sleep another two to four hours. I woke up at 2:47PM. I slept so hard I don't even feel to usual fuzziness from the muscle relaxer, which 'should' have lasted another half a day.

Anyway, I suppose this is really only important to me, which is why I'm blogging it....

...and there you are.


Sep. 9th, 2015 02:21 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
...the heat is back..tiring..just doing laundry and writing the past two days..I'm okay nonetheless..that's about it...
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~Emotionally, I'm all over the map, though my baseline is 'okay'. Been a month since my father's death. Feels like a year. I didn't get depressed over my birthday this year, but that might be because my father's death muddied those waters. I did cry over Martin Milner's death. Maybe something about the 'death of my youth'. Dunno. Again, muddied waters.

I've been writing fairly consistently, though not in great volume, maybe two/three hundred words a day, on my novella for Part Seven – “One Possible Future”. I've posted much of that text there already if any of you are interested.

I'm also waiting on my Writer's Blues, the window when I crash after Facing The Page for any length of time. Be nice if those waters got muddied as well....

...end transmission.


Aug. 20th, 2015 05:53 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~Twelve days since my father died. I get moments of grief and some tears, but it all has an unreal quality. I suppose that is largely the Time and Distance thing at work. So long since I'd seen him and he was so far away. [New Jersey]

I do have some regrets that I did not call more often. I tried to get him on-line, but he resisted. The problems with calling were that I get tired, but more that I no longer do 'small talk'. It's all Politics and The Fate of The World. How could I say to him, “You did a wonderful job raising my brother and sister. Too bad their world is pretty much fucked,”?

I had planned to give HIM a present for MY birthday, a letter saying I'm sorry for not calling more and a handful of my short stories, so he could see a little bit of what I was doing. And then he was in the hospital..and then he was dead.

There, that brought up some tears....


Jun. 26th, 2015 02:16 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~We're in the end of the month and doing okay. I'm doing better than I was at the beginning of June, but I'm not really okay. It seems that after each of these periods of stress I recover a little bit less of myself than the time before, that I am left physically and emotionally diminished by the event.

We all starting dying after a certain age, but it feels like I am now dying faster...

...and I'm afraid I'm going to die with my most important work left unfinished.


Jun. 1st, 2015 05:21 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~I am so profoundly tired. My body aches and my mind simply does not want to deal.

The previous three months of stress and panic have left me wrung out. Three days of chilling is not even close to enough time to recover from all that. I'm 'supposed' to 'get back to business' today, but I can't even get myself to go to the gas station to put a few bucks in the trucklette. We have the money, I just don't have the energy...

...and this is where I run out of the focus to even articulate my thoughts.
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~We're up to $230. [Thanx LJ in TX] We need at least another $200 by the first weekend in June [when we'll have all our monthlies] in order not to go in the hole buying a new fridge.

I have thought about using the money we already have to fix it, but we put $163 into it at the beginning of March and I suspect there are more 'failures' waiting just around the bend – it's an old rehabbed fridge – so I figure the best bet is to hang on and get a new one.

nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~The Good News is we're up to $200. [thank you anonymous donor] Just another $350 to go.

The Bad News is this is exhausting, both the freezing and the serious fiscal tightness. I worry that we won't make to the end of the month and that wears on me. We probably will, but I won't know for sure until then.

I had to throw out three onions this morning. They'd been fine for days and then last night they were frozen as hard as fucking boccie balls and then thawing out they got all squishy. The thing is freezing shit without any rhyme or reason, so there's no real way to work around it except to take shit out and then put back...except onions. *sigh*

I'm doing my best to distract myself. And it still on grinds me. That's just the way I'm wired....



Nov. 12th, 2014 05:14 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~Autumn has arrived and with it comes thoughts of Death and my Annual Review of My Entire Life, a robust blend of Nostalgia, Bitterness and Morose Regret, much of that centered around all the women who've been in said Life.

This started out as an Her Prophet Speaks post, but I soon realized this was largely about my own shit and feelings of Failure, so I could not in good conscience drag The Sisterhood into this.

I suppose the only 'positive' thing that comes out of this exercise is that I'm not a Complete Failure as I'm not yet dead....

...cheery, eh?


Oct. 7th, 2013 08:55 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~I've been putting off the WinCo run for days now. Gonna put it off one more. My sciatica is slowly getting better, but it's still fucking tender today.

Last time it took two days of Flexeril [one per day] and a few more days of just chillin' to ease up. But I'm a few days away from be able to do that again. *sigh*
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
..sent to The Primary Donor today..

"Basically what happened is Michelle promised more than she was authorized to promise. There was no 'pay off' plan. The full balance was required post surgery. *sigh*

Yesterday I was already burnt out when I got there. I had to wait about an hour before anyone saw me. That's on me cause I got there at half past noon. But when Dr. Kim came in he said that the surgeon would be there *that evening* and that's when Lil' Buddy would get sliced. I had been told only X-Rays and then the surgery on Sunday...if the X-Rays were clear.

At that point I just went “No, I don't want to do this at all.” I called Le-Le and she was willing to sign off on that. I suppose she could hear I was in Total Meltdown. But they brought in The Big Cheese, a Dr. Annan [I think], the Indian owner of the clinic. He's a pushy fuck. He was like, “At least do the X-Ray.” So I said 'fine'.

Then came the final piece of the clusterfuck; I was told that the Leg Fund can 'only' be used for the surgery and nothing else. A 'legal issue'. I was so fucking fried at this point I forgot that $180 of that is OUR MONEY and we can use however the fuck we want to. That didn't dawn on me until I had been back home for over an hour. Oy...

I need to chill out for a few days so I don't keep fucking up. And really need to connect to my case worker Monday so I get my Oct SSI $'s.

...and there you have it. =/ "


nebris: (Default)
The Divine Mr. M

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