Oct. 13th, 2016 05:30 pm
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~On Tuesday, for the first time in ten years, I saw a dentist. There were no real surprises. I have rotting teeth and they have to come out. Six of them. I had thought five, but whatever. Close enough for gubmint work.

Next Tuesday four on them are being extracted in one go. The Nightmare Molar all the way on the back bottom left should have gone years ago. I'm fairly certain it has been making me sick. They other three are just broken wrecks.

But after that I will have only a single upper molar, one on my right side, left to effectively chew with. And now I'm going to have to cyber beg [with a forthcoming Go Fund Me account] to raise $900 to pay for a dental appliance that will allow me to eat like a relatively normal human. [MediCal only covers full dentures, not partials]

I will confess that I am in mortal dread of these extractions. I'm paying $75 out of pocket for the nitrous. [MediCal only covers local anesthetic] I initially said no, but Le-Le insisted and I didn't fight her very hard. And I'm deeply depressed about having to once again publicly beg for such a basic human need as the ability to chew my food.

I'm keeping up a good face for the most part, but I have been crying at the drop of a hat. I feel pathetic and wish I could just die...but as I've said before, I'm trapped by my Will to Live.


Oct. 5th, 2016 07:28 am
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~I am cursed with an incredibly strong Will to Live. By all rights, I should have died homeless over a decade ago...and yet, here I am.

Not more than an hour ago I wanted to die. Not suicidal. I gave up that paradigm a long time ago. No, I just want to die, as if I could will it. And I sat in that feeling, going over all that my life is now. And fuck me, I worked my way through it.

Sitting here in silence, in the early hours before dawn, I fucking 'got over it' and moved into Solution. I did not want to. I wanted to die and that idea was something of a relief. No more worries. No more stress. No more Plans For The Future. No more Hope. Just Death...and another Turn of The Wheel.


Yes, I'm annoyed at that outcome. I'm fucking tired. I worry all the time. I'm in pain most of the time. And when I look out upon The World I want to either vomit or Go Postal.

And yet here I sit, pushing past Depression, once more full of Ideas and Plans and just fuck me, fuck me hard....

I fucking hate my life, and most of all, I hate my Will to Live.


Oct. 11th, 2015 06:15 pm
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~This was going to be another fucking boring annoying post about how fucking depressed I am, but I'm too fucking bored and annoyed [and depressed] to fucking write. it....so fuck it.


Nov. 5th, 2014 09:55 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~For whatever fucking reason,I'm feeling better now. And no, I have no fucking idea why, but I'm willing to have it.
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~We got hit by fucking domain fees on shit that was forgotten about. Now we're fucking flat broke. Le-Le's gonna try to get close them down and get refunds...but who the fuck knows? This is shit is because we're both out of it – stressed, depressed, etc – and not keeping track.

So now we really do not have enough money to make it through the month. I wish I could be fucking suicidal....


Jan. 8th, 2014 06:05 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~Okay, now that I've done the Kitteh Nooz post, on to MY issues...

I'm cumulatively exhausted from all of this, both the short term shit – there was more fucking hammering on Monday – and long term – I've been tearing myself to pieces over Icarus since the middle of last July, with a steadily increasing intensity.

Now I have to...'decompress'. Started already a little bit, but I still oscillate between Black Depression and feeling like I've been physically beaten.

I've gotten some kind of scalp condition from the stress, one bad enough to for me to seriously think about shaving my head come Spring so topical remedies can be applied. Too fucking cold for that right now.

And if do not get my rotten teeth pulled, I have little doubt that they'll kill me.

The general consensus is that I'm a fucking mess...


Aug. 17th, 2013 10:43 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~I'm so fucking exhausted my body hurts. And that is annoying me because I'm just too fucking tired to take care of the two things I wished to take of this evening.

I had decided around 7ish this morning that I wasn't going down to Lancaster to get the coconut oil today. I simply didn't feel up to it. I lay down again around 9ish, but only lay there for an hour or so before I got up again and had some coffee.

We needed a few things from the store, I wanted to return a library book and there are Happy Pills waiting for me at Rite-Aid. I figured I could handle that.

But I also got this thought that the local Indian owned market might have coconut only. They didn't. But I got all ambitious now and said 'fuck it, lets go to Lancaster'. And off I went. [that market is a few blocks down Sierra Highway, which is my main route to Lancaster]

It seems however that Lancaster was having some kind of 'big event' later on and the place was a fucking clusterfuck, streets blocked no directions and all of us milling around side streets. Oy...and hot as fuck, too.

I did get the coconut oil and at a reasonable price. Then I went a few blocked further in to WinCo and did the pick-up shopping for several bucks less than it would have been at Albertson's. [never did drop off the book or pick up my Happy Pills]

Poodled back up here, had some more grub and got back into bed...only to be woken up by a stupid fucking cunt neighbor blasting his fucking cunt music from his tiny piece of shit car. That has left me tired and grumpy...

...and now I'm too fuckin' wrung out to either do the 'oil thing' on Buckethead's foot or finish the last two or three paragraphs of Chapter One of my fanfic novel. I need to take drugs and go back to bed.

Yeah, these are fucking First World Problems, but tell that to my aching shoulders.....

....meanwhile Buckethead is in here bugging me while I try to write this, pawing and mewling. [remember he's a not-fat nineteen pound tomcat] I growl at him, step on him and call him a 'big stupid fuck with a big stupid foot'. He rolls around on the floor in ecstasy.


Aug. 14th, 2013 09:07 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~Largely unaddressed in all of this bullshit is my impending birthday. I usually get morose around this time of year anyway. My birthday has been a milestone of Failure and Trauma for a long time and even when things are 'okay', I get moody when August arrives.

This year it seems like The Universe said, “Okay, dickface, I'll give something to really be fucking moody about,” like some fucking sadistic parent.

Yeah, well fuck you too, buddy.
nebris: (Nebs Palms)
~The last couple of days in June and the first week in July were fucking brutal. The Temps were in the 104° to 107° range, the entire time with double digit humidity. That left both of us near prostrate. Swamp coolers just ain't central AC.

That exhaustion led me to fuck off properly fixing the cardboard around which led to our current kitty woes.

The heat of course doubles [at least] our electric bill which in turn leads to a tighter cash flow.

And fucking flies. We have a plague of them. They come with summer anyway, but I went too long in recycling the cans [see Heat Exhaustion] and no matter that I rinse them, the lil fuckers still breed in there. I took the cans in yesterday and now the plague has doubled since I've dispossess the little fuckers. I must kill two dozen a day.

Okay, End Rant.

..oh yeah, I'm sure Mercury Retrograde didn't help...


Jul. 17th, 2013 06:55 am
nebris: (Biz Kat)
~Food untouched. Trap unsprung.
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~George Zimmerman is just another sad little man in an extremely long line of sad little men who have committed Evil Acts in order to gain access to some Superior Echelon. That line stretches back into history and will continue on into the future. But he'll never be admitted to that Superior Echelon, in this historical context White Manhood. [Trust me on this one, George. I'm a White Male and I know you'll always be a Beaner to my Brothers.]

If he had been wise, he'd have taken a manslaughter plea, 'found Jesus' in jail and come out a 'new man'. Of course if he'd been wise he'd have left Trayvon Martin the fuck alone in the first fucking place. But those types of sad little men just can't help themselves. They are hollow inside.

And now his real punishment begins. His life is going to one of pain and exclusion. Even if The Feds punk out on a Civil Rights prosecution, where is he going to go? Sure, he'll move out of the news cycle, but Black America will never ever forget or forgive.

It all makes me so fucking tired. A 'wannabe White' Brown Man kills a Black kid because of a need to prove himself White just as the era of White Supremacy is beginning to unravel.

Fuck me, I need some more sleep...
nebris: (Nebs Palms)
~It is presently 91° and 17% humidity. The entire AV is swathed in smoke from what is being called the Powerhouse Fire. I suspect that is keeping the temp down and the humidity up by creating an air inversion. Meanwhile, the whole fucking neighborhood smells like a gaddam Yule Log.


Jul. 8th, 2012 10:59 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~I suppose I should engage in the requisite whining about my eyeball and then relate my sleeping patterns. But I'm more bored of that than y'all. You, my loyal readers and trolls, can at least scroll past that noise. Me, it plays out in mah wee noggin.

I Tweeted “I'm seriously thinking about shaving with cold water. I suppose that qualifies as a First Word Problem.” Stuck that on my Facebook Wall, too...which lead to a thread about my cock. lol

But in truth I am. It's all fuckin' itchy and driving me kinda nuts. Of course if I'm gonna make that leap I should also wash my hair in cold water as well, cause it's pretty itchy too. *sigh*

Today would be a good day for that as we are supposed to start a 100+ heat wave this afternoon. I'll think upon it. It would make me more comfortable if I have to run around this week to eye doctors and shit.

Goddess Fuck! This is more fucking banal than eyeball whining and sleep scheds. Fuck me! It is this what Nebs has come to? A crabby old fart babbling about personal hygiene? Just fucking kill me now!


Jun. 21st, 2012 05:03 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~I am being pushed to my maximum endurance.

The 'walk-through' and the signing of papers for the rental went fine and we'll be fully moved by the end of next week.

But I'm not getting a chance to enjoy the relief of that just yet. The SSA interview was fucking stressful and they're sending fucking paperwork that has be filed out 'just so' or my SSI will get reduced. At least I have some time on that.

And then, just as I chilled from that bullshit, the pharmacy calls and says my Happy Pill refill was declined. I called Rural Health and got the 'you have to see the provider' noise. So I gotta go up there tomorrow morning. I told them they were not going to be happy with my visit. I'll be civil, but I do not need to yell or threaten to be unpleasant.

Fucking cunts...

EDIT: I called the main hospital that runs the clinic to make a formal compliant.


Jun. 11th, 2012 11:42 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~Goddess Fuck, I'm in a foul fucking humor. That our Internet connectivity has sucked pus from a dead dog's ass for the past week has not helped. An AT&T tech is supposed to manifest here tomorrow afternoon.

I had my full-on emotional meltdown three hours after Le-Le had hers in our lawyer's office. It was thinking about the possibility of having to give up the little weasels that tipped me over the edge, though I'd been hovering there for hours.

We sat on my bed while I sobbed. Le-Le cried too, but she had let out so many tears earlier they were only a dribble by that point. A couple of the weasels came in to see what was up. They got to sit on our laps, which was very calming. Funny how that works.

Then, after we settled, we started looking for rentals. There are a few good prospects and that calmed us more. I slept a while and woke up improved.

My present foul humor is merely because I have been reading about how Monied Interests are continuing to abuse and crush those who are not and in this moment I feel that quite personally. It will a cold comfort that the reality of this house will likely break That Woman. It hope it fucking hurts. A few years of drooling dementia would be satisfactory.

So, we regroup and start again. A rental is not quite a reboot of Stage One, but more an Interregnum. I am hopeful that once we have settled, I'll be able to finally finish The Explanation and move forward with The Temple again.

And I feel better having written this, a Good Sign, as recently my 'rants' have not been very cathartic. I suppose that even though we are being wrenched from this house, at least the end of this crisis is in sight.

PS I'm also posting this publicly as a Fuck You to Trolls. [Yeah, I mean you Ivory] We are not going to be crushed and I will deal with you all in due course and in ways that will not only surprise you, but that you will not know come from us until such is revealed.

See, I operate on the Chinese System of Revenge; wait three years before taking action against ones enemies. By then most of ones enemies will be either have been forgotten or been punished by The World. Those enemies that remain can then be dealt with in cold blood. That is not a threat, that is simply a Mission Statement.

And so it fucking is....


May. 19th, 2012 03:46 am
nebris: (The Temple 2)
~As I said earlier, yesterday was a brute of a day. Mixed bag, too.

I finally made a WinCo run around half past one in the morning. That was largely driven by the need to get the 20lb bags of cat food. The little six pounders from Albertson's cost way too much and run out in about seven minutes.

As is my usual practice before heading off to WinCo, I checked the joint account on-line. I know I'm gonna drop maybe a couple hunnert bucks, so I need to 'see the numbers'. I'd been avoiding looking since the beginning of the month, mostly because I was so paranoid about money. Turned out our fiscal health was better than I expected.

That improved my mood and I sat with Le-Le, related this, said that we were going to chill the next few days and then get back into harness on Monday. Meaning Lawfare and such.

So, did the run and took a shower and went back to bed at 7am. I was awoken by 'external noise' around half ten and could not get back to sleep. I was hungry and I did have a couple local errands to run.

Then Le-Le shows me how swollen she is and tells me she has a 2:15 at the VA clinic down in Lancaster. *sigh* I was already tired and sore from the WinCo run, but she was pretty fucked up. She relates all that in gruesome detail here and here.

I finally went back to bed at 7pm. I was fucking fried. Slept okay.

Got up around half one and went to check on her. She was out so hard I had to put my hand on her back just to assure myself she wasn't dead. When I came out to make my coffee maybe a half hour later she was snoring away, always a good sign she is sleeping soundly and comfortably.

But having to check on her like this is a form of Existential Dread. And I lay that shit at the door of Bette fucking Goldenring. The stupid fucking bitch is creating all this fucking life threatening stress for no fucking reason as she will never see her money from either this house or from Le-Le. SSDI and VA Disability cannot be garnished via civil or criminal suits.

It's time to get ugly....


May. 15th, 2012 09:06 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~I'm at that place where if I still took the notion seriously I'd be suicidal. But I know that is not something I'm going to do unless I was terminally ill. Right now, I'm just fucked up in the head, which, for better or worse, is largely survivable.


I just related the above to Le-Le out on the porch and noted it would be 'bad form' to kill myself on her birthday. She agreed.

I'm very clear on what my fucking problem is: I can't fucking write and, Goddess help me, I have become a fucking writer. [be careful what you wish for]

I can't write because I have no space to be peaceful. The last thing I did was Addendum D: [Calendar for A New Matriarchy]. That was finished, more or less, last September 15th [25th Novembria]. At that point I needed about two or three weeks to decompress, reboot and Face The Page again.

But just as that process was completing, the fucking Oathbreaker came in – making all the right noises about Sisterhood and Recovery – and sucked all the air out of the room for the next three months. And then right after we got rid of her sorry ass fucking Bette Goldenring started her fucking 'you owe me' bullshit. *string of Imprecations*

The issue here is that I think about tomorrow. That's just who I am and it is in fact what I write about. When I'm under this kind of survival pressure, that peace I need to write, to not have any immediate worries about food or a place to sleep and so on, goes right out the fucking window.

I said to Le-Le that I watch Crime Drama to 'clean the slate'. But without anything on said slate, it just becomes filler, a time killer, and that makes me even more...'discontent'.

I get out of bed and part of me starts looking for what it is I'm going to be working on that day [or night] and there has been nothing 'there' for over eight months now. That is an intolerable psycho-emotional void...and I just get to fucking 'deal with it'.

I type out lil rants like this, but this is not real writing to me. It's just...well, 'ranting'.

And now I'm typed out....


May. 11th, 2012 02:36 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~We both felt like hit and run victims yesterday. The visit to our lawyer's office was deeply taxing. Some of it was slept off...and we're still kinda wobbly. I don't know what else to say...

Well, yeah I do. I worry about money. Once Le-Le's VA Disability goes to 100% we're pretty much out of the woods. Hell, we'll be fuckin' golden.

Of course that could take up to a year or more and we've got this legal shit pressing in on us and a pair of loans that we need to start repaying starting the first of next month. Shit's gonna be fucking tight again this summer.

I could whine about it, but even I'm fucking bored with that noise...


May. 1st, 2012 07:49 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~I did get to unwind a bit yesterday. I was, for the most part, able to enjoy being calm and quiet and keep the 'negative whispers' at bay.

I have a few things to do today, but they're not too taxing. However, it seems that the simple act of 'taking care of business' gets those 'negative whispers' going again.

Well, really only one; That Woman and her fucking legal bullshit.

Everything else is actually either Good or Workable. All that is needed is Time and Due Diligence. Having her pushing at us creates stress and uncertainly....and fucking costs money.

If Le-Le's VA Disability appeal comes through in a timely fashion, then we're more than fine. We're fucking outta here PDQ and That Woman can choke on the fucking mold in the middle closet.

Of course, I suspect the phrase 'timely fashion' is probably not in the VA's vocabulary. Le-Le will win eventually. But Goddess knows how long that could take. *sigh*

So we do what we can do and then do our best to 'turn over' the rest*.

And that's the name of that tune...

*I know shit's bad when I unconsciously start rhyming.


Apr. 26th, 2012 07:37 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~Last night Le-Le fed the weasels their pills in gooshy fudz and gave them the night off from the eye ointment ordeal. We're all pretty stressed our from this and the vet said it was stress that caused the original infection. They'll get gooped again today, but we're sticking with the gooshy fudz paradigm from now on.

That we didn't go with that in the first place shows just how burnt out we both are.

I'm gonna see if I can fuck off a bit more today. It's been raining so the outdoor tasks are off the menu for the nonce.

I was gonna rant about how the Housing shit is taking up head space, but fuck that noise for now.

And so on and so forth....


nebris: (Default)
The Divine Mr. M

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