Today is 25th Decembria, 12AS...a Bredsday

"Bredsday is The Fifth Day. Bride is both an ancient Celtic Goddess and a Catholic Saint. She is a Triple Goddess and a Keeper of The Eternal Flame. Poetry is sacred to Her. Saint Brigid’s Day falls on Imbolc, also a 'fire festival'. She is chosen so that we may 'meditate upon The Light, upon The Flame'. She is also connected to Her Celtic Sister Goddess Epona, who comes the next day and Bride's Light can serve as Epona's guide."

"The Fifth Day is not a religious holiday per se, but rather meant to be a day of relaxation and reflection."

Addendum D [Calendar for A New Matriarchy]

Random

~I've been unpacking my shit and it's been rather disheartening. Fact is, I've been emotionally paralyzed on a very basic level since the beginning of the month. The only good news here is that I can see it clearly now and it's more or less 'broken', though such has also left me emotionally exhausted on a very basic level.

It started off with what I call The SSI Event, that my monthly benefits got suspended without any real notice because I 'did not respond in a timely fashion to a phone interview'. Even though it was resolved in a few days, that seriously fired up my PTSD and primed me for the next two items, the reality of how tight we were going to be this month cash-wise and the whole 'brake fluid issue'.

Crunching some numbers and taking some 'household actions' helped resolve the former and Peabody's e-mail this morning snapped me out of the latter. But...

....when I came back inside post 'fluid check', it really hit me how totally paralyzed I had been. The relief from the solution did not energize, but rather deflated me. I cried and then crashed for six and half hours. I am still feeling exhausted on an almost cellular level. I expect this has not helped my beetus either.

It's hard to explain how thoroughly stuck I've been, even to myself. I seemed sorta okay, but I was unable to Take Action on the aforementioned 'very basic level', most specifically not being able to go down to WinCo and do one Major Shopping instead of endlessly going 'up the block' and spending too much at Albertson's.

There are a half dozen other smaller items besides that which did not get [or have not gotten] taken care of in 'a timely fashion'. I'm doing my best not to punish myself for this. I can feel the tears well up again even as I typed those words. I'm feeling very Broken right now.

I know I will get past this, which keeps me going, but I am so fucking tired of endlessly having to 'get past' my Damage. Such causes me to despair of ever achieving anything beyond mere Survival....

...and I think I need more sleep, too.