May. 1st, 2017 03:05 pm
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~I'm really hating my life right now. April was fucking awful. My best kitty buddy died. He was only four months old. Apple bricked my fucking phone for over some bullshit that I had nothing to do with. And we were fucking broke again by the middle of the month for the third month in a row

I had hoped this month would be better. Started doing The Five Rites yoga and ordered a pair of five pound free weights … and now I have a tooth infection, the one right under the only upper molar I have left, so it keeps getting irritated. And it is leaving me too exhausted to keep up the yoga.

We did start a Go Fund Me for my upper partial denture last fall and got a whole fucking eighty five bucks. [it will cost a grand] And with my 65th birthday coming up I get forced onto Medicare and lose my Adult Dental coverage under Medical.

This is when I start wanting to die, when I cannot stand it anymore, when I see that I simply will never win and why fucking bother....

If I lived alone, I would kill myself at this point. But I cannot abandon Le-Le and the kitties like that … but I am soooo fucking tired …


Apr. 3rd, 2017 02:21 am
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~I feel broken and cursed. Granted I am really fucking tired - my sleep has been for shit today - and when I'm like that my fears and insecurity run me ragged. And yet....

Buster just getting sick and dying like that not only has wounded my heart so very deeply, it has scared me. I have felt 'doomed' my whole life and my track record seems to bear that out. Whatever I have done, or attempted to do, has failed...


...but what else can I do but stay the course?


Feb. 6th, 2017 07:50 am
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~Man, I'm fucking tired....

Last week was exhausting for a dozen different reasons I'm too fucking tired to get into. But the topper was on Saturday afternoon when I felt well enough to go drop in the rent and do a little local shopping. The trucklette got about two/three feet down the driveway and then stopped dead. The dashboard flashed CHARGING SYSTEM FAILURE me. Even the steering wheel locked up.

I was not happy. Called AAA. They arrived quickly....and it's the alternator belt, not anywhere as bad [or expensive] as I had feared. The mechanic is closed weekends, so here I am, first thing Monday morning, waiting to call and hope they can fit me in today. /sigh

Had a really bad emotional meltdown Saturday night. Gonna skip the details on that, too. Not sure I could relate them and not meltdown again tbh. Just the usual “not enough/why bother” shit. Far too many of you know that I expect.

Anyway, there y'all have it. I'm having coffee and watching the clock...

...and so it is.


Jan. 21st, 2017 01:57 am
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~I'm having one of those 'feeling broken, pathetic and sad' windows. In part because we had a very rough week in this household. In part because I'm having some Writers Blues after that big post about Europe etc, the one all of you ignored. [yes, I'm bitter about that]. But mostly because I am in fact 'broken, pathetic and sad' and in all likelihood just marking time until my death.

I have brief moments of hope, which I do my best to savor...and they do not last.

I do have gratitude for the things I do have, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, companionship, fast Internet, kitties...and I am discontent by nature. My dreams all seem foolishness most of the time and I suspect I am just another deluded old man doomed to die bitter.

But I am aware of my Karma and will continue on with this Life in the hope that by doing so, I will have cleaned up some of that Karma and on the next Turn of The Wheel, I'll be able to achieve greater things.


Jan. 5th, 2017 02:05 am
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~I want to whine. Whine about what a poor fat sick old man I am. Whine about how my dreams and plans are all a load of bullshit. Whine about being a delusional old fool. Whine, whine, whine....

But I fucking hate when I fucking whine. Makes me want to bitch slap myself.

So I suck it up and just keep going..../sigh


Dec. 20th, 2016 09:54 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~I have this low boil depression. It's not as bad as it usually is this time of year. But somehow it's...'deeper'. My life is okay, you know, roof over head, food in fridge, companionship, decent internet and a comfy bed.

And yet I sit here with this wafting sadness. I suppose it could be about my mother. Even though we didn't talk and I had no real hope that we'd ever resolve our relationship, on TG and X-Mas I knew she'd been in her house in Beverly Hills making a big holiday dinner, the ones I always dreaded.

Now that's all over with and the last tiny possibility of resolution is dead along with her. *sigh* There is not even a grave to go to. The Evil Step Father seems to be keeping her ashes up at the house.

Anyway, the holidays will be over soon and then I get to deal with her birthday, though that now has a whole other meaning for me now....which those who know me best will understand.

….and, as ever, life goes on.


Oct. 17th, 2016 09:52 pm
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~Some of you know that Le-Le has MS. That means among other things she has lesions in her brain that can kill her without warning. That's what we live with.

These next few days she has to push herself. Bring me home from the dentist tomorrow morning and taking poor sick old Icarus into the vet on Wednesday morning. With the latter, I'm not sure if they won't just say he should be put to sleep.

At some point after she got up today, a blood vessel burst in her left eye. That terrified me, though she felt nothing and her research said she shroud be fine. Here's the thing however; if I die, she's in trouble, but could survive okay, though it would be stressful. If she dies, I am homeless within a month or so. Period. Govt money issues.

So, I made a decision when I lay down before. I will never be homeless again. If she dies on me, I'll do my best to rehome the kitties, but whomever I cannot gets put to sleep. Then I will put myself to sleep. And yes, I have a clear and practical method in mind.

I found some grim peace in that. At least I now know what to do. I have a plan. There is still fear there. I do want to live. But I am so fucking tired of merely surviving...

...and now I shall make myself some coffee and go about my life as if I was going to live forever.


Jun. 23rd, 2016 05:55 pm
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
I sleep

I eat

I read

I ignore the world

and slowly

bit by bit

my grief



Jun. 16th, 2016 06:20 pm
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~I'm having a very hard time. It feels so empty here at times, like right now when Le-Le and the rest of the kitties are sleeping. Normally Thenie would be here in my room, or just up the hallway, napping, too.

She was very insistent with her presence. When I'd get up, she'd be right outside my door or would soon come sauntering down the hallway. She'd meep at me all the time, often for no more reason that to pay attention to her. In the last half year that was also because she knew she was running out of time. She was a little old lady, just skin and bones, but too stubborn to die.

But she wasn't more stubborn than Death and her absence is really painful....

...that's all I can write...
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~While I am emotionally better today, I am still physically exhausted and my body hurts. As I said to my Wicked Step Mother yesterday, “I've had too much Death and I'm falling apart...

First Joe [my father, last August], then my old friends Bobby, from my Mexico days, and Gillen, who was only 45.

Then my really close friend Pasty Ruth, whom I'd only first met last September, died a few days into March. She lived here in the park. Patsy and I deeply bonded....and then she was gone, a heart attack sitting on her couch.

Then finding out about my mother the way I did, three and half months after the fact via a lawyer's letter....

Last night my special kitty Athena died. She was 18 and we knew she was hanging on by a thread. I know it seems silly that I'd fall apart over a cat. Thenie wasn't even my cat to begin with. She was Leesa's since she was a year old. But when we crashed into this place after we lost our house, she decided to...I don't know...take care of me. I called her my 'wife' because she nagged me, always at my door and bugging me when I was on the john.

I took her body to vet a few hours ago...and I cannot stop crying.”

It's a beautiful breezy day, perfect to make the needed run down to WinCo and I simply don't have the wherewithal to do so. Just rereading the above section makes my bones feel heavy....


Apr. 7th, 2016 06:27 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~It was hot and dry the past two days, mid 80's and single digit humidity. Today it's overcast and raining on and off. Kind of disorienting.

I have so many things I want to talk about. But I don't seem to have the energy or focus to do so. Part of that is upping my Happy Pill intake. I sorta don't give a shit now. And I'm healing from a bad tooth infection and the antibiotics make me shit.

It's my father's 86th birthday today, which is getting me to think about all the death I've faced this past year, his and three close friends, one of whom was only 45.

...and now I've run out of steam...


Feb. 9th, 2016 05:31 am
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~I just finished the hand written part of something last night. Today, the feeling of emptiness and loss that comes with that gaped open and all my depression, grief and regret flooded into that space. At least I've been writing enough to remember that is what happens when I write. But it was brutal nonetheless. I was sitting on the crappier and I just started crying. *sigh*

I still have to type in and edit the last bit, but I cannot seem to be able to face it. Maybe after I finish this thing. Remembering this part of the process in the moment helped a bit, but it kicks the shit out of me because the things that flood in are either as yet unresolved or simply unresolvable.

This is certainly a factor in my inability to finish my 'holy book' so far. The crash from that one feels like it could kill me.....
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~I'm sitting here with a glass full of milk slush and not a single penny in the Fridge Fund. It's very depressing.

Our Refrigerator Needs Replacing
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~I've been doing my best to fight off a really bad depression. Binge watching The Good Wife [Season 6 finale tomorrow night], keeping 'busy', looking for solutions...and I'm failing. It's making my body hurt.

This month started off okay. We were catching up. I was able to write again...

...and then the fucking refrigerator started fucking freezing everything. That means no eggs, which is a staple for Le-Le. That means I cannot make my usual two monthly 'big pots of whatever' because those will fucking freeze. And it means waiting for the thing to just fucking crap up so we can't even working around shit freezing.

March and April wiped out the small cushion we'd built. If I hadn't been so depressed from the holidays, I'd have asked for help with the 'bad teeth kitty'. But I didn't. Mostly, I felt guilty for asking because I knew it is largely one person who's carried that weight and I know he's been tight, too.

Le-Le set up a GoFundMe account yesterday, but so far not a penny has showed up. I cry and think of killing myself, but even if I was so inclined, I can't because Le-Le and the furballs depend upon me.

So this is one more fucking Cry For Help in what seems an endless series of them....

Our Refrigerator Needs Replacing:
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~It seems The Universe had decided to fuck with us around money....

Last Friday my SSI money did not show up and we didn't catch that until the evening, so we had to 'sit with it' all weekend. Monday when I called Social Security I was told it was because they made a clerical error regarding my mailing vs my residence address. They had Sonja Drive as the former. /sigh

It seemed squared away until the worker said it'd take 'up to thirty days' to get the money. [second panic attack] Today, I spent two hours down in Lancaster at the SS office for four minutes with a worker who said, “No, no, you'll have it the end of the week at the latest.” /sigh

I went to McDonald's after that because I was crashing, then a 'pick up' run to WinCo.

I finally decompressed when I find out the freezer in our fridge seems to be 'on the fritz, ie everything is thawing. We're going to see if it needs a coolant recharge. If it's dying however, that's like five hundred bucks to replace it, which we really don't have.

And right now I'm too tired to feel how panicked I actually am....


Jan. 18th, 2015 08:10 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~On Friday night while I was making us dinner, I pulled a muscle in my lower back in a Big Way. That has derailed the few tasks I'd planned to take care of this weekend. *sigh*

I suppose that's no surprise as during this last week I've been 'getting real' about how badly depressed I've been this past year. That was compounded by the realization that in my present condition I am incapable of completing any long term writing project because I simply do not have the physical stamina. Too much pain. Too much depression.

The whole GOP bullshit about our Disability possibly getting cut by 20% at the beginning of next year didn't help. [Louise Hay said 'lower back issues are about money']

Been doing my best to 'take action', but right now my 'best' sucks pretty hard.....


Nov. 5th, 2014 08:11 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~I'm starting to get the feeling that I've had so many failures, so many disappointments, so many losses that I am no longer able to muster the Will to keep going as an Artist. Once upon a time a fire burned in my belly and I would grind out page after page. But I had Hope For The Future back then. Most days, that fire seems to be extinguished and that hope feels dead.

This is not some sort of back handed suicide note. I don't really have the Passion for that either. I have become too dull for such an act.

I have been thinking about this for days now. Only this morning have I found the energy and focus to put this on paper. The Novel has been more or less laying doggo the past few days. My recent outbursts notwithstanding, The Explanation is utterly dead in the water. The idea of The Temple seems further away than ever. And I feel numb most of the time....

...I don't know what else to say.


Oct. 9th, 2014 05:16 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~I've been sleeping a lot the past day and a half. I'm probably [small 'd'] depressed...and a bit disoriented for reasons I'm going to get into.

I've been thinking about Death a lot. Not suicide, but Death itself and that of some of those close to me...possibly. [again, no details...more from lack of Energy and Focus than secrecy]

My Pen To Paper Writing has suffered, though The Novel is still alive and talking to me.

And that is all I have for now....

PS This is probably my Writer's Blues.


Jun. 18th, 2014 11:40 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~So, last night, after finding out about more money woes, I yelled, banged on a few things, hammered out this post, apologized to Le-Le for yelling and banging, and then cried.

Afterward, I had some pie and watching torrenting. Not something I torrented, but the actually process itself. I find watching all those numbers flow calms me.

When I lay down, my brain seethed with fear and rage. The list of things I raged about is too fucking long to deal with. Finally, I slept. Not great sleep, but sleep nonetheless.

This morning I'm somewhat better. We're okay for another week or so. It's the last week of the month when I'm worried we literally will not have any money left to buy basic shit like milk, bread and toilet paper. Plus, I'm going to run out of some key supplements, as well. *sigh*

I need to do the litter boxes today. I've been putting that off because I already expected that we'd have no money to buy more litter until the First of The Month and that this change would have to last them until then.

This tooth infection has left me exhausted. And now it seems as if the penicillin has failed. I need to call Rural Health and get something stronger. Just the thought of that is tiring.

And I raged at my Spirit Guide the other day, but I'll save that for another post...maybe.


Jun. 7th, 2014 07:48 am
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~As I said on a FB comment thread a little while ago, “My head's full of pudding today.” I had planned to make another WinCo run this morning, like early, before the Saturday shopping crowd poured in. But I slept until nearly six, so that ain't gonna happen.

Not that big a deal as we're pretty well stocked. However, we're very low on Half & Half and, for us coffee drinkers, that's a looming disaster on the same scale as the cats seeing empty spaces in the bottom of their food bowls. So, I'll drag my sorry ass up to Albertson's and pay fucking five bucks for a half gallon of the stuff.


nebris: (Default)
The Divine Mr. M

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