The Divine Mr. M

~I’ve pretty much given up any hope for a better future, at least in my lifetime. I’ve given up on the hopes and dreams I held on to for the last two decades and have just settled in to enjoy the fairly comfortable life we now have for as long as it lasts. The only wish I have left is that whatever kills us takes our fur babies, too. My fear is that they will be left behind, scared and hungry. /sigh

We humans have at least a century of disaster and collapse ahead of us. Yeah, if Biden gets elected the overt horror and brutality of the Trump White House will abate. But Biden is not going to change the underlying conditions that led us to Trump. He’ll simply be a ‘pause button’. /sigh

Yeah, I’m sighing a lot. I nurtured the idea of The Sisterhood for a long time. It was what got me through much of my fear and worry the past twenty four years. But La Rona has crushed that. And no one has really stepped up to lead it anyway.

What I suspect will happen in the next hundred years or so is that Catastrophic Climate Change will finally break our civilization, which has proved to be quite brittle anyway, and the race will split in two, one group going underground and the other up into orbit and hopefully beyond. Both groups will almost certainly be ‘modified’ – genetically and cybernetically – to adapt to their new environments and each will diverge from the other.

We Baseline Humans will be left upon a ravaged surface and will likely go extinct. *shrugs* Oh well.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I’m gonna have some coffee and a banana and take my meds and supplements…and there ya have it. Nebs out…

~I'm really hating my life right now. April was fucking awful. My best kitty buddy died. He was only four months old. Apple bricked my fucking phone for over some bullshit that I had nothing to do with. And we were fucking broke again by the middle of the month for the third month in a row

I had hoped this month would be better. Started doing The Five Rites yoga and ordered a pair of five pound free weights … and now I have a tooth infection, the one right under the only upper molar I have left, so it keeps getting irritated. And it is leaving me too exhausted to keep up the yoga.

We did start a Go Fund Me for my upper partial denture last fall and got a whole fucking eighty five bucks. [it will cost a grand] And with my 65th birthday coming up I get forced onto Medicare and lose my Adult Dental coverage under Medical.

This is when I start wanting to die, when I cannot stand it anymore, when I see that I simply will never win and why fucking bother....

If I lived alone, I would kill myself at this point. But I cannot abandon Le-Le and the kitties like that … but I am soooo fucking tired …

~Man, I'm fucking tired....

Last week was exhausting for a dozen different reasons I'm too fucking tired to get into. But the topper was on Saturday afternoon when I felt well enough to go drop in the rent and do a little local shopping. The trucklette got about two/three feet down the driveway and then stopped dead. The dashboard flashed CHARGING SYSTEM FAILURE me. Even the steering wheel locked up.

I was not happy. Called AAA. They arrived quickly....and it's the alternator belt, not anywhere as bad [or expensive] as I had feared. The mechanic is closed weekends, so here I am, first thing Monday morning, waiting to call and hope they can fit me in today. /sigh

Had a really bad emotional meltdown Saturday night. Gonna skip the details on that, too. Not sure I could relate them and not meltdown again tbh. Just the usual “not enough/why bother” shit. Far too many of you know that I expect.

Anyway, there y'all have it. I'm having coffee and watching the clock...

...and so it is.

~I want to whine. Whine about what a poor fat sick old man I am. Whine about how my dreams and plans are all a load of bullshit. Whine about being a delusional old fool. Whine, whine, whine....

But I fucking hate when I fucking whine. Makes me want to bitch slap myself.

So I suck it up and just keep going..../sigh

~Some of you know that Le-Le has MS. That means among other things she has lesions in her brain that can kill her without warning. That's what we live with.

These next few days she has to push herself. Bring me home from the dentist tomorrow morning and taking poor sick old Icarus into the vet on Wednesday morning. With the latter, I'm not sure if they won't just say he should be put to sleep.

At some point after she got up today, a blood vessel burst in her left eye. That terrified me, though she felt nothing and her research said she shroud be fine. Here's the thing however; if I die, she's in trouble, but could survive okay, though it would be stressful. If she dies, I am homeless within a month or so. Period. Govt money issues.

So, I made a decision when I lay down before. I will never be homeless again. If she dies on me, I'll do my best to rehome the kitties, but whomever I cannot gets put to sleep. Then I will put myself to sleep. And yes, I have a clear and practical method in mind.

I found some grim peace in that. At least I now know what to do. I have a plan. There is still fear there. I do want to live. But I am so fucking tired of merely surviving...

...and now I shall make myself some coffee and go about my life as if I was going to live forever.

~I'm having a very hard time. It feels so empty here at times, like right now when Le-Le and the rest of the kitties are sleeping. Normally Thenie would be here in my room, or just up the hallway, napping, too.

She was very insistent with her presence. When I'd get up, she'd be right outside my door or would soon come sauntering down the hallway. She'd meep at me all the time, often for no more reason that to pay attention to her. In the last half year that was also because she knew she was running out of time. She was a little old lady, just skin and bones, but too stubborn to die.

But she wasn't more stubborn than Death and her absence is really painful....

...that's all I can write...

~It was hot and dry the past two days, mid 80's and single digit humidity. Today it's overcast and raining on and off. Kind of disorienting.

I have so many things I want to talk about. But I don't seem to have the energy or focus to do so. Part of that is upping my Happy Pill intake. I sorta don't give a shit now. And I'm healing from a bad tooth infection and the antibiotics make me shit.

It's my father's 86th birthday today, which is getting me to think about all the death I've faced this past year, his and three close friends, one of whom was only 45.

...and now I've run out of steam...

~I'm sitting here with a glass full of milk slush and not a single penny in the Fridge Fund. It's very depressing.

Our Refrigerator Needs Replacing http://www.gofundme.com/u38e62js

~It seems The Universe had decided to fuck with us around money....

Last Friday my SSI money did not show up and we didn't catch that until the evening, so we had to 'sit with it' all weekend. Monday when I called Social Security I was told it was because they made a clerical error regarding my mailing vs my residence address. They had Sonja Drive as the former. /sigh

It seemed squared away until the worker said it'd take 'up to thirty days' to get the money. [second panic attack] Today, I spent two hours down in Lancaster at the SS office for four minutes with a worker who said, “No, no, you'll have it the end of the week at the latest.” /sigh

I went to McDonald's after that because I was crashing, then a 'pick up' run to WinCo.

I finally decompressed when I find out the freezer in our fridge seems to be 'on the fritz, ie everything is thawing. We're going to see if it needs a coolant recharge. If it's dying however, that's like five hundred bucks to replace it, which we really don't have.

And right now I'm too tired to feel how panicked I actually am....