nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~My old friend just called and told me that my ex-fiancee Wendy is dead. He'd been leaving FB messages saying he had news about her for a few days. So I said mean things about her in FB Messenger as I've been in my own shit aka 'I hate my birthday' and maybe our oldest kitty Icarus, nearly 18 y/o, is getting ready to 'pass over'. *sigh*

I'm still a moody asshole most days...

Thing is, she'd never dealt with her main issue, being molested by her older brother from 8 to 12 y/o. She told me when we were engaged, back in 1979/80 when she was 18/19 and I was 27/28. I confronted him and he fessed up. Told their father too, who I was good friends with. Richard still hates me for that.

But she never got counseling and remained in relationship with him.

Richard is a Sai Baba devotee [another child rapist] and got her all caught up with him. He's always been a self righteous narcissistic asshole and he was trying to get her to 'pray it away' without him having to confront his own guilt and culpability.

And when her marriage crashed a few years back, she gained weight [she'd been a dancer and yogi and always tall and lean] and started drinking heavily, plus prescription drugs too. Three weeks ago she was found face down in her apartment by her brother and daughter. As a long time 12 Stepper, I know the signs of Long Form Suicide.

Two years ago I had thought of reaching out to Wendy. But then Eva showed up and my old friend told me that she and Richard were going off to India to Baba's joint, so I shelved that idea. I knew such was probably hopeless and I had to look toward the future and The Sisterhood.

I did cry a bit, but she behaved badly with me a decade after our engagement ended. I still cared for her and she was planning to use me as a 'last fling' before she married the guy who would divorce her. And she pretty much shoved that in my face. We never spoke again.

So she broke my heart twice. I suppose I cry some more later, though maybe more for my 'lost youth' than Wendy. And yeah, I know that sounds harsh, but I'm a fucking Guru and Harsh Truths are our stock and trade.

And so it is...

Goddess Bless you, Wendy, and may She speed you Upon The Wheel. I Pray your next Life is happier.
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
I lay upon my bed
pleasant flaccid numbness
a depression hangover

I think of...things
colored pencils arranged by shade
neat patches of farm land
a kitchen tables set for breakfast
bathed in the golden light of morning
English actors playing Swedes
Order against Chaos
Life Against Death

I just lay there
a pleasant flaccid numbness
but my bladder requires attention
and I have a day that I need
to get through as if it meant something...

...my Faith is weak
I cannot hear my Spirit Guide
and I fear my Death

Random

Apr. 7th, 2016 06:27 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~It was hot and dry the past two days, mid 80's and single digit humidity. Today it's overcast and raining on and off. Kind of disorienting.

I have so many things I want to talk about. But I don't seem to have the energy or focus to do so. Part of that is upping my Happy Pill intake. I sorta don't give a shit now. And I'm healing from a bad tooth infection and the antibiotics make me shit.

It's my father's 86th birthday today, which is getting me to think about all the death I've faced this past year, his and three close friends, one of whom was only 45.

...and now I've run out of steam...

Random

Aug. 20th, 2015 05:53 pm
nebris: (A Manga Thang)
~Twelve days since my father died. I get moments of grief and some tears, but it all has an unreal quality. I suppose that is largely the Time and Distance thing at work. So long since I'd seen him and he was so far away. [New Jersey]

I do have some regrets that I did not call more often. I tried to get him on-line, but he resisted. The problems with calling were that I get tired, but more that I no longer do 'small talk'. It's all Politics and The Fate of The World. How could I say to him, “You did a wonderful job raising my brother and sister. Too bad their world is pretty much fucked,”?

I had planned to give HIM a present for MY birthday, a letter saying I'm sorry for not calling more and a handful of my short stories, so he could see a little bit of what I was doing. And then he was in the hospital..and then he was dead.

There, that brought up some tears....

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The Divine Mr. M

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