nebris | Entries tagged with nebs chills

~It wasn't until late afternoon Friday that I finally got my shit together and went down to America's Tires in the west of Lancaster. That largely consisted of sitting there for a little over an hour looking at tire ads and ugly hoomons. At least the chair was comfy.

Then I went across the mall to Wal-Mart [don't hate, we're poor] and bought our over the counter drug supply, some new t-shirts for myself and one of their four pound meat pizzas. That was fucking clusterfuck - more ugly hoomons - and fucking wrung me out. And their selection has really gone in the crappier. [see Economy, Suckage]

Just a few minutes ago I got to the litter boxes. I'll fuck off tomorrow and hopefully do the WinCo run on Tuesday.

I'm probably gonna start a Brake Fund in a week or two. They've got 26,000 miles on them and the little brake light is getting insistent. First, I'll get a few estimates and then we'll start in with the cyber begging. This is a Big Picture Issue as the VA is going to want Le-Le to go down into LA in order to make her jump through hoops for a bigger benefit amount.

And that's about that for now....

Current Mood: accomplished

~It's been a week now since we brought the Old Fool home from the vet. As I have noted, he's bounced back nicely.

I have have enough decompression time to feel how heavy a toll this whole episode has taken upon me. I was in near totally emotional paralysis from at least early September, though such had been setting in from mid August.

That is real Depression. I did effectively stop functioning for two months. I can place that at the visit to Mission where they moved the goal posts [the first time they refuted the payment plan they themselves had proposed] and then ganged up on me in the exam room while I was 'in meltdown'.

That stress and grief caused my lower back to lock up and knock flat me upon itself. That in turn cascaded my Depression. Poor Buckethead suffered an extra two months because of that, which I could see everyday and that pushed me deeper into emotionally paralyzing Depression. Mission doing another 'bait and switch' with payment plans dug me in deeper as well.

I suspect it was support from various close friends that finally snapped me out of that enough to clear my mind and Google a vet here in Rosamond in mid December. Once I did that, things moved quickly. I'm still kinda fuzzy on the internal specifics of how that happened. [Asking Le-Le to work on my neck was a Key Moment] It'll take me time to unpack all that. I will because specifies are Important, being potentially replicable steps to take next time.

What I am clear on right now is how utterly fried I am, physically and mentally, and that I really really need to chill out – for a few months at least – and heal from all this. I need to avoid Pressure and Drama as much as I can. I pray that Goddess supports me in that...

Current Mood: contemplative

~I was a physical and emotional wreck yesterday. And that was just when I woke up.

Once shit settled down post vet trip, I redid my entire breakfast cycle [that includes raw adrenals and related support supplements] took one of Le-Le's muscle relaxers and watched the last four episodes of Continuum Season 2. I was back in bed around half past ten [I think] and slept until about half past seven this morning. Those things usually knock me for a loop, but I'm only just a bit groggy today. I was seriously fucking fried and wired.

I expect to nap again after this present breakfast cycle as well.

I'll expound upon tumors and surgeries later...and thank you for the support shown.

Current Mood: okay

~I've been doing my best to get past this state of being. Been sleeping and surfing and some writing. I feel guilty about that, feeling like I should Jump Into Action! regarding plans to deal with Icarus' big stupid foot...and I can't. At times like this, Le-Le has to remind me that “you're on Disability for a reason”. If I push too hard, I'll completely fucking fold and get even less accomplished. *sigh*

That said, I did come up with a plan...and I'll post the details in a day or so. I'm finding that focusing upon it right now exhausts me. So I shall tend to myself now so that I may serve others more effectively later.

Current Mood: okay

~I'm doing better today. Took lots of drugs and got lots of sleep. Still...'tender', but there's more sleep on the menu, right after some chilling.

...and there you have it.

Current Mood: calm

~So, Blessed Solstice and Happy Super Moon...though the Solstice was actually last night at 10:04pm local time around here. But whatever.

I haven't posting much here obviously, except for my Twitter feed, which I keep pretty busy. Mostly I post links on my Facebook Wall and copy/pasta my trenchant comments on said links as headers.

I've been writing fiction and that has kept me occupied elsewhere. Besides, poor LJ is a fucking desert these days. *sigh*

This time last year we were scrambling to pack up the old house and find a new place to live. At this point, we've settled into a peaceful stability. There are still issues to be dealt with, but the wolf is no longer at the door or even lurking nearby.

It sometimes feels odd that The Explanation et al does not have a central position in my life anymore. But that too is calming. The thing was killing me. Certain circumstances need to be addressed before I can seriously think about returning to The Work.

...and that is all she wrote.

Current Mood: calm

~I was going to write that yesterday was 'a bad day', but it was really just a tough day with a particularly bad episode.

I finally made the WinCo run around seven in the morning. I hadn't been able to sleep all that much because I was obsessing. But in the end I pushed myself. And, as usual, I paid a price for that.

I got back and finished unloading around half eight. Then I just sat for over an hour, exhausted, stuck between eating or sleeping. Finally, I ate, then slept. But I'd fried myself.

After about an hour, I woke up with the worse case of The Spins I've ever had. Usually, they just make me dizzy and I more or less go about my business until I can sleep it off. It's not pleasant, but it is manageable.

The pattern is always the same. It wake up to the thing. It never just comes on me. And when I go back to sleep, it goes away. I'm fairly certain it is stress related.

This time I woke up with such a bad case that it gave me severe motion sickness. I wound up on the crappier with liquid shit hosing out my ass while I puked in the sink and was soaked in a cold sweat. That went on for maybe twenty minutes. When the shitting ended I stood and dry wretched so loudly that Le-Le heard me all the way out in the living room.

She did a hands-on Healing on me when I lay back down on my bed and I soon fell back to sleep. Five hours later I woke up and The Spins were gone, though obviously I was pretty wobbly and totally wrung out. I did a breakfast cycle and went back to bed.

I'm much improved today. Of course I'm still 'hung over' from all that and plan to chill the fuck out for the next few days.

I said to Le-Le that I thought this 'psychosomatic' in that it is clearly stress related. I'm suspecting that it was so bad this time because not only had I been stressing all week and then pushed myself, but also because now that the shopping is done, the next item is something I utterly dread; going to the dental walk-in at crack of dawn.

I'd say that the stress wrings my neck and shoulders grievously tight which then fucks with my inner ear via the Eustachian tubes. I am going to talk to the gang at Rural Health about this when on my next visit in about a month or so. But if I am correct, the best they'll be able to do it give my some motion sickness meds. However, those might merely knock me out...which would be just fucking fine as far as I'm concerned.

Note: For those Majickal wankers who think their 'bad juju' has worked on me, all of this, as the Insurance Industry labels them, are 'preexisting conditions' and you're just blowing smoke up your own ass.

As I now have a bit more energy, I'm washing my bedclothes. I will then shower and go back to sleep. And that is just about that...

Current Mood: drained

~I really 'should' make the WinCo run this morning. I'm awake at the right time and the weather seems perfect...and I simply do not have it. I don't even 'have it' to make a quick 'pick-up' run to Albertson's right now so I can make din-din. That'll have to wait till this afternoon or the like. At least I wrote a list for that contingency.

No worries. I'm not sick, just tapped out. I talked with the Ex yesterday early evening for three hours and forty minutes, which is the usual length of our phone conversations since we've known each other. [slightly under seven hours is our standing record] This is largely a New York Jewish paradigm. I may be a Goy, but the Jews trained me and trained me well.

She is trapped in her apartment in the Bronx by Nemo and needed to talk anyway. Lots to unpack and I know her like a book. It was a very positive and constructive interaction, which is not always the case. She is a very Talented Healer, but she is also a Divine Madwomen and you know how they can get.

But our timing was perfect in this moment and we alined nicely. She has been doing her Work and some of it has been kicking her ass. She really needed my input. As I said, I know her better than anyone and those of you who know me are aware that my POV is, well...'unconventional'.

And we also did talk quite a bit about The Temple etc. I have come to realize that the essential Message for getting my Sisters to show up for this is one of Love, Purpose and Power, in that order. More on that soon.

However, I put out massive amounts of psychic energy. I felt quite satisfied and completed when we hung up, but I was literally dizzy. I hugged Le-Le to get some grounding. Then I redid my entire breakfast cycle and went back to bed. And I am still wobbly this am.

Discretion being the better part of valor, I'm chilling and will allow myself to nap some more if that is what my body tells me is required, which does seem to be the message.

And there you have it...

Current Mood: quiet

~It has been raining for three days now and it is forecast to continue until tomorrow evening. It is very calming, not a steady downpour, but several good hard soaking showers a day, which some brightening of the over cast in between.

I have done little more than chill all this time. Sleep, eat, surf, etc. Such has been healing.

Not much else to say really...

...well actually I massive amounts more to say..I'm just not going to work myself up to say them right now...

Current Mood: calm

~It's overcast and quiet. A few of the little weasels are running around like maniacs, but the rest are sleeping, as is Le-Le.

I have very little I need to do. Pull the garbage can to the curb before morning. The usual eat, sleep, shit, wash dishes and do a regular bowl check so the aforementioned weasels don't starve.

It's supposed to rain the next three days. I hope it does, a nice steady soaking rain. I'll just sit here and think fondly of the leak in the ceiling of my old bedroom. I doubt they've done more than simply slap some paint on it.

Current Mood: calm

~I've been sleeping fairly well in spite of my own craziness. I said to Le-Le last night that 'I wasn't sure what to do with myself without some fucking Drama lurking'. But generally, that is actually a relief..if I have something to with which distract myself. This weekend it'll be the end of “Fringe.” I have Episodes Three through Thirteen lined up.

I had been mulling both a Her Prophet post about how much of The Temple is based around the concert of building a Master Race, etc and a rant about the racist hypocrisy of The Republic’s Middle Class vis-a-vis Newtown and Drone Strikes...

But fuck that. I need to chill some more. Really, this last year was a fucking clusterfuck and it ain't even a month gone yet, ya know?

Need to wash my hair, too....

Current Mood: calm

~Back some time in the first half of July, after we had slept through the heat for those x-number of weeks, Le-Le and I started to unpack what we had just gone through in the ten months before that, you know, The Oathbreaker and Bette Fucking Goldenring, etc. We were still thoroughly fried and in shock, but enough time had passed without overt attack that we could lift our heads up and look around at the still smoldering wreckage.

Somewhere in there, Le-Le asked me when/if we'd ever get over this. I replied that we'd operate using the Fifty Percent Break-up Rule. I believe I grinned. Wise-Ass is my Default Position. Said Rule states that 'the amount of time required to get over a Serious Relationship is equal to half the total time of said relationship'.

In that paradigm, ten months equals five months. July and August were about sleeping through the aforementioned heat. September was mostly about tooth pain for both of us, though I 'won' that contest with an ER visit. We are now in the second half of the fourth month and the emotional shit is finally bubbling to the surface. Note my post about being paralyzed for two weeks, basically over 'details'. And last night Le-Le ended a long term, but...'problematic' on-line relationship. [her biz, so no details beyond it being toxic and I'm glad it's over]

The short version is we are both slowly starting to be capable of thinking clearly of extended periods and Get Shit Done, albeit incrementally.

For me, the pattern can be seen this last week. First, realizing how paralyzed I was, snapping out of it, a day to sleep it off, a day of High Energy and Taking Action, then a couple of days of sleeping that off, then a Re-Set, which would be happening just about now. Whew.

Now I have left a number of things unattended to, mostly missives to various Sisters. And the ever looming Explanation. But I think I can stop eating my own fucking nads over this shit for longer and longer periods, which means I'll actually have the energy to fucking attend to the fucking 'unattended to' items.

And now, I chill....which is a form of Mental Health, btw.

Current Mood: chillin'

~I had a pretty productive day yesterday. Made to WinCo. Took in the recycling. Picked up my books from the library. Did some laundry. Took a shower. Then slept for about nine hours.

My lil kitty related meltdown proved cathartic. As I said in comments, it took me until my early thirties to learn to allow myself to cry and I have no intention of giving that up.

Our Season of Trauma lasted from early October of last year until the beginning of July of this year. And, in retrospect, sort of continued through July and into some of August in some ways, though with less intensity. The humid heat and having to adjust to the swamp cooler was taxing in its own way, especially for Le-Le.

So it was only toward the end of August that shit really began to chill and then I got the 'tooth thing' for my birthday, which I now suspect was the largely result of clenching over Money Issues. Lovely, eh?

Anyway, we're still coming out from under all this shit even as I type these words. The cooling off helps, as does now having a clear outline of our near term financial situation, which is tight but workable.

I need to really stick to the House Rule, “When you're tired, lay down.” That will get me back to my Constitutionals faster and more effectively than anything else.

I'm babbling here, so I shall stop....

Current Mood: calm

~I'm kinda/sorta starting to really unwind from all of the past year's bullshit. I'm not even trippin' over my impending birthday [The Big Six Oh!].

We've figured out how to keep this joint fairly comfy during this fucking heat, so everybody's been getting some decent sleep. That makes a Major difference. And the humidity from the swamp cooler has helped my teeth to stop hurting by hydrating my mucus membranes. Fancy that. lol

We're about half way through the month and it looks like we'll have enough funds to get by, which I was not sure of until we had a month where we had to pay rent etc. July was covered by the First & Last. Won't be 'fat', but it doesn't look like we'll starve either.

Lawfare Phase One is almost totally done except for Le-Le's name still being on the title. And the Property Taxes on her credit report. But sooner or later that will get resolved even if we do nothing. No-one can do anything with that house until the title gets transferred and at that point the taxes MUST be paid. We e-mailed our lawyer about that anyway.

Given all the above, I'm starting to feel a little bit like writing again...and not just these lil missives, but real long form shit. You know, like the fucking Explanation. That'll get all me nice and fucking moody again. *smirk*

So, there ya have it...for now.

Current Mood: chipper

~It is presently 97° and 21% humidity. It finally rained and hard, with big thunder and lighting and lil power outages. Hopefully this will break the heatwave.

Le-Le covers it all in more detail. Me, I'm just chillin'.

Current Mood: calm

~Been pretty quiet around here, just heat and naps mostly. No drama, but also no follow through on post-Lawfare issues. Ain't called the state's mold lady again. Ain't requested the title transfer packet. And that's gonna have to be Okay. We had nine solid months of Grief. I expect we'll need the standard fifty percent of that time to recover from it.

And that's the name of that tune...

Current Mood: calm

~This morning – about four hours ago – I finally did some laundry here, bed clothes and my everyday wear. Needed to note that 'landmark'.

Just ran up to the store for a few things. It's only gone down to 79° [it was 64° this time yesterday] and the air is very still, like it's getting ready to bake the fuck out of us. Needless to say, today will be an 'indoor day'.

I'll be up for a while longer. Slept a lot yesterday, but I'm finally feeling up to speed. I was there Friday morning, but had to stay up for the maintenance guy and that kinda fried me. My policy at this point is to lay down at the slightest provocation. Seems to be working.

And I'll take a shower before I lay down on my nice clean sheets.

Go me...

Current Mood: chipper

~It's much much quieter here. Over at Sonja we had the 14 freeway on one side and 20th West of the other and the train tracks a half mile away over clear flat ground. There was almost always sound from one of those, if not all of them, at any given time. Still not that loud by my standards as a city boy, but a hum of some sort nonetheless.

Over here, on the other side of town, can't hear the first two at all and the tracks are blocked by trees and structures, as is everything else. We're deep inside a much larger park and we have a number of empty lots on both sides of us, which, given the nature of this park and the state of the economy, we expect to stay empty for a while.

I was just in the kitchen and, with the fans and the swamp cooler off, it was 'dead silent'. I have not had the experience of silence in a long time. It was very calming.

I was saying to Le-Le the other day that most of the 'persecution' we felt was likely just The Universe pushing at us hard to get out of that house. Not that there weren't people 'out to get us' – that's been a on and off fact of our life for a while now – but that we gave them waaaay too much credit. They are pretty much all Majickal midgets.

We are slowly unwinding here. This Internet shit is just 'teething issues' in a new location with a dash of MercRet. No real worries. It'll all get sorted out in due course.

And there's no room here for a Third, which puts that whole issue on a back burner. We're hoping to chill for the next year or two, work on the Work and just Heal in general. As ever, we Survive.

An interesting Sign is that Mauser, the beat-up old black cat we rescued back in Oct of '10, has undergone a transformation. At Sonja he mostly hid under the bench at the foot of Le-Le's bed or just hung out next to her desk. He didn't come out of her room for the first year or so. Now, in this place, he runs all over the joint, has finally begun to groom himself, is even starting to play with some of the other cats and actually seems happy.

And so it is...

PS It is now 57° and 66% humidity.

Current Mood: busy

"This weather is driving me batshit." ~ Le-Le

~It is presently 63° and 44% humidity. The wind is still out of the WSW at around 20 mph.

She mumbled the above from under her comforter a few minutes ago. She was going to bed just as I got up again. lol I had told her I'd had my window fans on 'fresh air' aka blowin' in and had been under a comforter myself.

The weather is throwing me off a bit, too. After my 'big sleep' Sunday [Eponaday] I was sorta on the verge of going back to bed all night. But when I did, I was 'awake' again. But I 'toughed it out' and drifted in and out until around 8am. Only lasted two and a half hours however and crashed again until 4pm. Back in the rack around 9ish and now up once more. Oy...

Typing all this in while I'm connected. Internet's been slow and dropping out all day. An AT&T guy will be out here this afternoon, along with the Gas Man. Said to Le-Le, "Let's have a party!"

Now I'm gonna do a 'breakfast cycle', fuck around on line, torrent some shit, watch it and maybe go back to sleep for a while. Slowly but surely feeling grounded, though that is different than over at Sonja Drive. This place has a whole 'nother vibe all together.

Current Mood: busy

~Last night I finally washed my hair. Between the move, being exhausted from the move and having no hot water here, I'd gone four fucking weeks!! That's pretty nasty even for up here where the air is relatively clean. I did sweat an awful lot in those four weeks. Ew.

Anyway, it feels wonderful, even if I had to wash it with tepid water. Been too hot for it really get 'cold'.

Afterward we made a WinCo run. Le-Le drove and I shopped. We bought three 20lb bags of cat food – Imes, the good stuff - among other things. They're $32 a piece down there while at Albertson's they've gone up to $10 for a 4lb bag. Geeze...

JR came over yesterday and we cleared up a lot of the living room – we can get at things now and unpack – took a few more things to storage, boxes to recycling and then to Karl's Hardware to get a coupling for the drier.

The washer and drier are now hooked up and ready for the Gas Man on Tuesday. We're settling nicely and will have a much more peaceful and effective establishment in this house.

Went to bed around half past four and slept till four in the afternoon. The clean hair really helped.

Just finishing my 'breakfast cycle' now and I think I'll take a lil nap.

...yeah, this post is all over the place..lol...

Current Mood: calm

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The Divine Mr. M

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Life in The Desert [redux]

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June 2025

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