The Divine Mr. M

~It's been a week since the first anniversary of my mother's death. [Feb 15...she would die right after Valentine's Day] I'm just getting to that now as I've been dealing with the living, as needs must.

I felt it probably 'good form' to address the event, even though I feel next to nothing about her 'death'. We had not spoken for thirteen and half years, so she was effectively dead to me already, not in the hostile “You dead to me!” way, but more like an old movie actor “Gee, I didn't know they were still alive,” kind of way.

So no Pain or Sense of Loss around her death. All that, and there is quite a lot of it, is related to events during her life. But, I'm not really in the mood to expound upon that right now.

Let us just say she was a complex woman and that I both loved and hated her, that she could be wonderful and funny and also an absolute fucking cunt, and leave it at that....

~Twelve days since my father died. I get moments of grief and some tears, but it all has an unreal quality. I suppose that is largely the Time and Distance thing at work. So long since I'd seen him and he was so far away. [New Jersey]

I do have some regrets that I did not call more often. I tried to get him on-line, but he resisted. The problems with calling were that I get tired, but more that I no longer do 'small talk'. It's all Politics and The Fate of The World. How could I say to him, “You did a wonderful job raising my brother and sister. Too bad their world is pretty much fucked,”?

I had planned to give HIM a present for MY birthday, a letter saying I'm sorry for not calling more and a handful of my short stories, so he could see a little bit of what I was doing. And then he was in the hospital..and then he was dead.

There, that brought up some tears....