May. 1st, 2017 03:05 pm
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~I'm really hating my life right now. April was fucking awful. My best kitty buddy died. He was only four months old. Apple bricked my fucking phone for over some bullshit that I had nothing to do with. And we were fucking broke again by the middle of the month for the third month in a row

I had hoped this month would be better. Started doing The Five Rites yoga and ordered a pair of five pound free weights … and now I have a tooth infection, the one right under the only upper molar I have left, so it keeps getting irritated. And it is leaving me too exhausted to keep up the yoga.

We did start a Go Fund Me for my upper partial denture last fall and got a whole fucking eighty five bucks. [it will cost a grand] And with my 65th birthday coming up I get forced onto Medicare and lose my Adult Dental coverage under Medical.

This is when I start wanting to die, when I cannot stand it anymore, when I see that I simply will never win and why fucking bother....

If I lived alone, I would kill myself at this point. But I cannot abandon Le-Le and the kitties like that … but I am soooo fucking tired …


Oct. 13th, 2016 05:30 pm
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~On Tuesday, for the first time in ten years, I saw a dentist. There were no real surprises. I have rotting teeth and they have to come out. Six of them. I had thought five, but whatever. Close enough for gubmint work.

Next Tuesday four on them are being extracted in one go. The Nightmare Molar all the way on the back bottom left should have gone years ago. I'm fairly certain it has been making me sick. They other three are just broken wrecks.

But after that I will have only a single upper molar, one on my right side, left to effectively chew with. And now I'm going to have to cyber beg [with a forthcoming Go Fund Me account] to raise $900 to pay for a dental appliance that will allow me to eat like a relatively normal human. [MediCal only covers full dentures, not partials]

I will confess that I am in mortal dread of these extractions. I'm paying $75 out of pocket for the nitrous. [MediCal only covers local anesthetic] I initially said no, but Le-Le insisted and I didn't fight her very hard. And I'm deeply depressed about having to once again publicly beg for such a basic human need as the ability to chew my food.

I'm keeping up a good face for the most part, but I have been crying at the drop of a hat. I feel pathetic and wish I could just die...but as I've said before, I'm trapped by my Will to Live.


Oct. 5th, 2016 07:28 am
nebris: (A Dark Boy)
~I am cursed with an incredibly strong Will to Live. By all rights, I should have died homeless over a decade ago...and yet, here I am.

Not more than an hour ago I wanted to die. Not suicidal. I gave up that paradigm a long time ago. No, I just want to die, as if I could will it. And I sat in that feeling, going over all that my life is now. And fuck me, I worked my way through it.

Sitting here in silence, in the early hours before dawn, I fucking 'got over it' and moved into Solution. I did not want to. I wanted to die and that idea was something of a relief. No more worries. No more stress. No more Plans For The Future. No more Hope. Just Death...and another Turn of The Wheel.


Yes, I'm annoyed at that outcome. I'm fucking tired. I worry all the time. I'm in pain most of the time. And when I look out upon The World I want to either vomit or Go Postal.

And yet here I sit, pushing past Depression, once more full of Ideas and Plans and just fuck me, fuck me hard....

I fucking hate my life, and most of all, I hate my Will to Live.


nebris: (Default)
The Divine Mr. M

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