nebris | Entries tagged with depression

~Some of you know that Le-Le has MS. That means among other things she has lesions in her brain that can kill her without warning. That's what we live with.

These next few days she has to push herself. Bring me home from the dentist tomorrow morning and taking poor sick old Icarus into the vet on Wednesday morning. With the latter, I'm not sure if they won't just say he should be put to sleep.

At some point after she got up today, a blood vessel burst in her left eye. That terrified me, though she felt nothing and her research said she shroud be fine. Here's the thing however; if I die, she's in trouble, but could survive okay, though it would be stressful. If she dies, I am homeless within a month or so. Period. Govt money issues.

So, I made a decision when I lay down before. I will never be homeless again. If she dies on me, I'll do my best to rehome the kitties, but whomever I cannot gets put to sleep. Then I will put myself to sleep. And yes, I have a clear and practical method in mind.

I found some grim peace in that. At least I now know what to do. I have a plan. There is still fear there. I do want to live. But I am so fucking tired of merely surviving...

...and now I shall make myself some coffee and go about my life as if I was going to live forever.

Current Mood: tired

~On Tuesday, for the first time in ten years, I saw a dentist. There were no real surprises. I have rotting teeth and they have to come out. Six of them. I had thought five, but whatever. Close enough for gubmint work.

Next Tuesday four on them are being extracted in one go. The Nightmare Molar all the way on the back bottom left should have gone years ago. I'm fairly certain it has been making me sick. They other three are just broken wrecks.

But after that I will have only a single upper molar, one on my right side, left to effectively chew with. And now I'm going to have to cyber beg [with a forthcoming Go Fund Me account] to raise $900 to pay for a dental appliance that will allow me to eat like a relatively normal human. [MediCal only covers full dentures, not partials]

I will confess that I am in mortal dread of these extractions. I'm paying $75 out of pocket for the nitrous. [MediCal only covers local anesthetic] I initially said no, but Le-Le insisted and I didn't fight her very hard. And I'm deeply depressed about having to once again publicly beg for such a basic human need as the ability to chew my food.

I'm keeping up a good face for the most part, but I have been crying at the drop of a hat. I feel pathetic and wish I could just die...but as I've said before, I'm trapped by my Will to Live.

Current Mood: depressed

~I am cursed with an incredibly strong Will to Live. By all rights, I should have died homeless over a decade ago...and yet, here I am.

Not more than an hour ago I wanted to die. Not suicidal. I gave up that paradigm a long time ago. No, I just want to die, as if I could will it. And I sat in that feeling, going over all that my life is now. And fuck me, I worked my way through it.

Sitting here in silence, in the early hours before dawn, I fucking 'got over it' and moved into Solution. I did not want to. I wanted to die and that idea was something of a relief. No more worries. No more stress. No more Plans For The Future. No more Hope. Just Death...and another Turn of The Wheel.

*sigh*

Yes, I'm annoyed at that outcome. I'm fucking tired. I worry all the time. I'm in pain most of the time. And when I look out upon The World I want to either vomit or Go Postal.

And yet here I sit, pushing past Depression, once more full of Ideas and Plans and just fuck me, fuck me hard....

I fucking hate my life, and most of all, I hate my Will to Live.

Current Mood: angry

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