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nebris...I wrote this last June 27th [28th Sestia] so roughly ten and half Gregorian months ago..in some ways, I've been stuck in that place for the entire time..between That Woman and The Oathbreaker this has been a very tough passage..I don't feel 'indifferent' today, just burnt out..unlike back then I can feel The Explanation stirring inside of my Mind..I'm simply too exhausted to Face The Page..the other thing is that The Oathbreaker has made us very wary of ever letting anyone else under our roof again..that is her worst crime..she badly damaged our willingness to trust..not really sure what can be done about that besides just moving forward and seeing what happens...
~Ever since I wrote that expansion to The Preface I've been very 'low key'. In some ways it feels like 'indifference'. In other ways it feels like 'relief'. Either way, I'm not doing anything with The Explanation right now. I'm rather ambiguous about that lack of movement.
These past few days I've been fairly comfortable in my own skin, at least mentally. I'm not feeling driven like I usually am...which is the 'relief' part. That feeling has been literal torture all too many times and I sure the fuck don't miss that discomfort.
But its absence is making me think hard about what I've been doing all these years, the 'madness' of following this Path to “establish a New Matriarchy”. I'm a fat old man with PTSD, diabetes and mouthful of broken teeth. And I'm probably giving myself an ulcer from all the ibuprofen I take to manage that tooth pain. Le-Le is in worse shape than me, with MS, degenerative disk disorder, etc. We're both on Disability for a reason.
I've been thinking, “How the fuck are you two broken down gimps going to 'change the world'?” and not in a despairing way, but in a realistic fashion, asked not from my depression, but from a relative calmness.
This is not me 'giving up'; I'm a bit too Virgo/OCD for that. I'll finish The Explanation sooner or later. But after that...? I have no fucking idea.
One thing I can say for certain however. If no Sisters show up to do this Work – not to 'help me', but to do the Work themselves - there ain't gonna be no fucking New Matriarchy, ever.
~Ever since I wrote that expansion to The Preface I've been very 'low key'. In some ways it feels like 'indifference'. In other ways it feels like 'relief'. Either way, I'm not doing anything with The Explanation right now. I'm rather ambiguous about that lack of movement.
These past few days I've been fairly comfortable in my own skin, at least mentally. I'm not feeling driven like I usually am...which is the 'relief' part. That feeling has been literal torture all too many times and I sure the fuck don't miss that discomfort.
But its absence is making me think hard about what I've been doing all these years, the 'madness' of following this Path to “establish a New Matriarchy”. I'm a fat old man with PTSD, diabetes and mouthful of broken teeth. And I'm probably giving myself an ulcer from all the ibuprofen I take to manage that tooth pain. Le-Le is in worse shape than me, with MS, degenerative disk disorder, etc. We're both on Disability for a reason.
I've been thinking, “How the fuck are you two broken down gimps going to 'change the world'?” and not in a despairing way, but in a realistic fashion, asked not from my depression, but from a relative calmness.
This is not me 'giving up'; I'm a bit too Virgo/OCD for that. I'll finish The Explanation sooner or later. But after that...? I have no fucking idea.
One thing I can say for certain however. If no Sisters show up to do this Work – not to 'help me', but to do the Work themselves - there ain't gonna be no fucking New Matriarchy, ever.
