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~Below is the text I posted on Sept 18th, 2003 under the title L'Hotel De Enfer Ne' Plus Ultra [basically 'Hotel Hell To The Max']:
“Well, I am now homeless. Last night, after EP* had been screaming at people all day, he picked a fight with me. I didn't buy in, but he ranted anyway. Then my mother started in, first by telling me she's canceling Tanya, the compugal, and that I should 'get a job'. Then she physically attacked me, scratching, punching, throwing bottles and pulling my hair. I pushed her away and she fell [she was drunk as usual] , but she came at me again.
At this EP came into the kitchen [where all this was happening] and she said I tried to choke her and he then tried to stab me with a pair of scissors. Now, of course, I could have beat them both unconscious, but that would have only dug my grave completely. So I dial 911. And the fucking cops arrested me!
I spent the night in jail in Beverly Hills and today I was charged with "Dependant Abuse", a misdemeanor, with a court appearance in two weeks. And I now have a restraining order saying that I cannot go within 50 yards of the house or call.
I am totally fucked now. I have a pair of jeans, sneakers and a t-shirt. everything else is at the house, ID, clothes, vitamins, scripts. I am at my friend Jeremy's house right now. He is letting me spend the night and tomorrow I will start working my Monday AA phone list for..well, everything. ::sigh::”
Ultimately things worked out well for me, most of all because I finally and irrevocably escaped Hotel Hell, something that had been well nigh inconceivable for years. My journey would require twenty two months of homelessness, including two weeks on LA's Skid Row, but of course that proved fairly Nietzschean and so on.
Now I am able to be Authentic on a day to day basis, a state that is essential to my Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual well being. But then is that not true of all Humans? All too many say 'no'. But we'll save that rant for another time.
Over the course of the last eight years I have done a lot of healing. It is peaceful here in this house and Le-Le allows me to 'just be', though some days she does have to actively insist upon that. I can still get a bit ramped up. But even the most 'fraught' issues can be brought up, dealt with and resolved in a straight forward fashion. That still surprises me at times. It was certainly not how I was raised.
I was able to renew my relationship with my bio-dad and clean up all the 'old issues' with him. It helps that he has done a lot of inner work himself and was willing to show up when I put said issues on the table. We are now at peace with each other after a good half century of emotional 'distance' caused by those lingering issues.
However, not a single word has passed directly between me and Mumsie since that night and no words of any kind for over six years now. I have been contemplating writing her a letter, but then I ask myself, “To what end?” EP and I are Blood Enemies [his choice, not mine, though I now own that with my entire Being] and while she is under his roof I suspect any reconciliation to be unlikely.
But, as ever, more shall be Revealed...
*EP = El Padrasto Spanish; 'the step father'
“Well, I am now homeless. Last night, after EP* had been screaming at people all day, he picked a fight with me. I didn't buy in, but he ranted anyway. Then my mother started in, first by telling me she's canceling Tanya, the compugal, and that I should 'get a job'. Then she physically attacked me, scratching, punching, throwing bottles and pulling my hair. I pushed her away and she fell [she was drunk as usual] , but she came at me again.
At this EP came into the kitchen [where all this was happening] and she said I tried to choke her and he then tried to stab me with a pair of scissors. Now, of course, I could have beat them both unconscious, but that would have only dug my grave completely. So I dial 911. And the fucking cops arrested me!
I spent the night in jail in Beverly Hills and today I was charged with "Dependant Abuse", a misdemeanor, with a court appearance in two weeks. And I now have a restraining order saying that I cannot go within 50 yards of the house or call.
I am totally fucked now. I have a pair of jeans, sneakers and a t-shirt. everything else is at the house, ID, clothes, vitamins, scripts. I am at my friend Jeremy's house right now. He is letting me spend the night and tomorrow I will start working my Monday AA phone list for..well, everything. ::sigh::”
Ultimately things worked out well for me, most of all because I finally and irrevocably escaped Hotel Hell, something that had been well nigh inconceivable for years. My journey would require twenty two months of homelessness, including two weeks on LA's Skid Row, but of course that proved fairly Nietzschean and so on.
Now I am able to be Authentic on a day to day basis, a state that is essential to my Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual well being. But then is that not true of all Humans? All too many say 'no'. But we'll save that rant for another time.
Over the course of the last eight years I have done a lot of healing. It is peaceful here in this house and Le-Le allows me to 'just be', though some days she does have to actively insist upon that. I can still get a bit ramped up. But even the most 'fraught' issues can be brought up, dealt with and resolved in a straight forward fashion. That still surprises me at times. It was certainly not how I was raised.
I was able to renew my relationship with my bio-dad and clean up all the 'old issues' with him. It helps that he has done a lot of inner work himself and was willing to show up when I put said issues on the table. We are now at peace with each other after a good half century of emotional 'distance' caused by those lingering issues.
However, not a single word has passed directly between me and Mumsie since that night and no words of any kind for over six years now. I have been contemplating writing her a letter, but then I ask myself, “To what end?” EP and I are Blood Enemies [his choice, not mine, though I now own that with my entire Being] and while she is under his roof I suspect any reconciliation to be unlikely.
But, as ever, more shall be Revealed...
*EP = El Padrasto Spanish; 'the step father'
