Her Prophet Takes Stock...Or Whatever
Aug. 1st, 2014 08:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nebris~In the relative calm of the past few weeks, without any external survival drama to distract me, I have been tending to oscillate between enervating Depression and taut finger-pointing Resentment, each of which is exhausting in its own fashion. This was reenforced by the general lack of response to my posting the latest State of The Explanation.
At the end of August, it will be an entire decade since the concept of The Temple crystallized and yet it feels that such has barely moved since I first placed that idea on paper while ensconced in a sober living house in West LA.
I know that is a subjective and inaccurate statement, but we are speaking of 'feelings' here and it is 'feelings' drive us more than cold facts. This is especially true of a daunting project like The Temple. Pure 'cold facts' would lead us to lay down and die. It is only feelings that keep us going...or bog us down.
...at this point I stopped going where I was going and deleted the last paragraph written..can't give details as to why because that would mean keeping on 'going where this was going'...
~Clearly, I'm a mess. And I feel trapped. I can't seem to move forward and yet experience has proved that I cannot [read 'am not allowed to'] give up on this Path either.
My “taut finger-pointing Resentment” is really about MY failure to effectively communicate this message to the various Sisters in such a way that they would come out here and take possession of 'this thing of ours' and truly get it going.
And so again I am thrown back upon my own devices, which are first and foremost finishing The Explanation, a conclusion that gets fucking shoved in my fucking face year after mother fucking year.
And, at this rate, I fear I shall die before I am able to so...
At the end of August, it will be an entire decade since the concept of The Temple crystallized and yet it feels that such has barely moved since I first placed that idea on paper while ensconced in a sober living house in West LA.
I know that is a subjective and inaccurate statement, but we are speaking of 'feelings' here and it is 'feelings' drive us more than cold facts. This is especially true of a daunting project like The Temple. Pure 'cold facts' would lead us to lay down and die. It is only feelings that keep us going...or bog us down.
...at this point I stopped going where I was going and deleted the last paragraph written..can't give details as to why because that would mean keeping on 'going where this was going'...
~Clearly, I'm a mess. And I feel trapped. I can't seem to move forward and yet experience has proved that I cannot [read 'am not allowed to'] give up on this Path either.
My “taut finger-pointing Resentment” is really about MY failure to effectively communicate this message to the various Sisters in such a way that they would come out here and take possession of 'this thing of ours' and truly get it going.
And so again I am thrown back upon my own devices, which are first and foremost finishing The Explanation, a conclusion that gets fucking shoved in my fucking face year after mother fucking year.
And, at this rate, I fear I shall die before I am able to so...
