Her Prophet Speaks: Crisis Of Faith #356
Jan. 25th, 2015 11:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nebris~That figure is probably low. I think I've had a Crisis of Faith nearly every odd numbered day for the past three years or more. It certainly feels that way. If such did not cause such anguish, I'd be bored by now. And even that has become boring. Bet you're already bored of reading these screeds....
But it seems that it's either Pain and/or Boredom that spurs me to Action. [and trust me, that's fucking tiresome]
Looking at my Life, I mostly see Failure. [that list is boring, too..so I'll skip it] And I'm getting close to the end. That might not be for another two decades – my dad is eighty four – but you know what I mean. I'm an Old Man with a raft of health issues.
I do my best to be Grateful. I have a loving companion, a decent roof over my head, food in the fridge, full time Internet access, and a gaggle of fur-babies. My basic physical existence is better than easily two thirds of all my fellow humans. In that context, being Depressed or feeling like a Failure seems profoundly selfish. And yet, by the same token, telling myself to 'suck it up' and stuff my feelings just tracks as abusive.
So, I get stuck...
I took a few steps the other day by looking up the process to start a 501(c)3 Religious Non-Profit, but even without the issue of fees, we're nowhere near ready to qualify for such. That kicked my Depression a few more feet down the road. [writing this is fucking exhausting]
~The above was written nearly five days ago and it took me around three/four hours to do so. I suppose that outlines the issue fairly well....
Beyond all my blather and whining is my plan to finish The Explanation even if I do nothing else with what's left of my life. That is the only way I can truly be On Purpose, as we used to say in Lifespring.
I asked Le-Le last week to help me with voice activated software, not simply downloading onto this new hard drive, but 'holding my hand' through the early stages. It get badly jammed up until I become familiar with new programs. That's just part of my Damage. *sigh*
Goddess Willing, that will allow me to push through all my shit and finish the thing. Writing is hard for me, but I certainly can talk up a storm.
I feel like I have more to say, but I worry that I'll never post this fucking entree, so here it is...
...at least I'm not as badly depressed as I was when I started this..though I'm still no prize...
But it seems that it's either Pain and/or Boredom that spurs me to Action. [and trust me, that's fucking tiresome]
Looking at my Life, I mostly see Failure. [that list is boring, too..so I'll skip it] And I'm getting close to the end. That might not be for another two decades – my dad is eighty four – but you know what I mean. I'm an Old Man with a raft of health issues.
I do my best to be Grateful. I have a loving companion, a decent roof over my head, food in the fridge, full time Internet access, and a gaggle of fur-babies. My basic physical existence is better than easily two thirds of all my fellow humans. In that context, being Depressed or feeling like a Failure seems profoundly selfish. And yet, by the same token, telling myself to 'suck it up' and stuff my feelings just tracks as abusive.
So, I get stuck...
I took a few steps the other day by looking up the process to start a 501(c)3 Religious Non-Profit, but even without the issue of fees, we're nowhere near ready to qualify for such. That kicked my Depression a few more feet down the road. [writing this is fucking exhausting]
~The above was written nearly five days ago and it took me around three/four hours to do so. I suppose that outlines the issue fairly well....
Beyond all my blather and whining is my plan to finish The Explanation even if I do nothing else with what's left of my life. That is the only way I can truly be On Purpose, as we used to say in Lifespring.
I asked Le-Le last week to help me with voice activated software, not simply downloading onto this new hard drive, but 'holding my hand' through the early stages. It get badly jammed up until I become familiar with new programs. That's just part of my Damage. *sigh*
Goddess Willing, that will allow me to push through all my shit and finish the thing. Writing is hard for me, but I certainly can talk up a storm.
I feel like I have more to say, but I worry that I'll never post this fucking entree, so here it is...
...at least I'm not as badly depressed as I was when I started this..though I'm still no prize...
