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~I have not been able to write. Writing is this only thing in my life which gives me consistent Purpose. Without it, I feel very weak and broken. That I got a taste of how once I used to be able to write back last June/July makes me feel an even more profound despair. Thinking about that makes me want to die...
~It feels so unfair that I have finally found my way back to writing with such fluidity and yet I have to contend with all this new stress and grief.
Yes, I know full well how foolish it is to complain about unfairness. I am very clear how utterly unfair life truly is. I have in fact been paying close attention to that the past sixty one years. And yet I have worked hard to have my feelings in the moment and as completely as possible.
Just to be clear, kids, Wisdom does not in any way, shape or form bring one happiness. Pretty much the opposite truth be told. What does bring however is the knowledge of what it is that is making one unhappy and there actually is some small comfort it that.
Yes, I know full well how foolish it is to complain about unfairness. I am very clear how utterly unfair life truly is. I have in fact been paying close attention to that the past sixty one years. And yet I have worked hard to have my feelings in the moment and as completely as possible.
Just to be clear, kids, Wisdom does not in any way, shape or form bring one happiness. Pretty much the opposite truth be told. What does bring however is the knowledge of what it is that is making one unhappy and there actually is some small comfort it that.
~As my last post shows, I can be all 'adult' and 'competent' about handling these issues. But there is a price to be paid. There are significant parts of me that are not adult and these things terrorize and wound them. Those parts were born out of times when I had not yet become an actual adult, times when I was terrorized and wounded and was helpless and they bear the marks of that birth, carry that pain in their core.
Once all the 'adult business' has been attended to and I sit with myself in the quiet, then their fear and sadness comes to the surface. All I can do is let it flow outward and feel it. I do my best to comfort those parts of me, but there is only so much that I can do. My Damage is deep and profound....
Once all the 'adult business' has been attended to and I sit with myself in the quiet, then their fear and sadness comes to the surface. All I can do is let it flow outward and feel it. I do my best to comfort those parts of me, but there is only so much that I can do. My Damage is deep and profound....
