Random

~I am cursed with an incredibly strong Will to Live. By all rights, I should have died homeless over a decade ago...and yet, here I am.

Not more than an hour ago I wanted to die. Not suicidal. I gave up that paradigm a long time ago. No, I just want to die, as if I could will it. And I sat in that feeling, going over all that my life is now. And fuck me, I worked my way through it.

Sitting here in silence, in the early hours before dawn, I fucking 'got over it' and moved into Solution. I did not want to. I wanted to die and that idea was something of a relief. No more worries. No more stress. No more Plans For The Future. No more Hope. Just Death...and another Turn of The Wheel.

*sigh*

Yes, I'm annoyed at that outcome. I'm fucking tired. I worry all the time. I'm in pain most of the time. And when I look out upon The World I want to either vomit or Go Postal.

And yet here I sit, pushing past Depression, once more full of Ideas and Plans and just fuck me, fuck me hard....

I fucking hate my life, and most of all, I hate my Will to Live.