The Divine Mr. M

~Physically and emotionally I am barely functioning. The dichotomy here is that I believe I am actually 'on the mend'.


On Wednesday I wanted to head down to the vet to sort all this out, but I simply could not get it together. Finally, I plopped down in the chair next to Le-Le's desk and just started sobbing. Totally fell apart, gasping, “I'm failing him.” [started crying just typing that]


She hugged me and then started working on my neck, shoulders and back. She told me I had a huge knot by my left shoulder blade, the place where Louise Hay says we 'hold grief'. She did some serious kneading and pounding and I felt better, though I was sore and exhausted. I took some 'serious pain meds' and went back to bed.


When I got up about five hours later, I noted that my back and hips didn't hurt as much. I made us dinner and then felt tired again. About an hour after I lay down, I was woken up by flu like pain, ache and chills. Took more 'serious pain meds' and went back to sleep.


Felt much better when I got up, but last night when I went to bed I again felt kinda flu like. This time my heating pad got me off to sleep and I woke up improved.


That's been the dance; flu like symptoms that only slowly abate, but my back getting better. If not for Icarus condition, I could completely relax into this healing. But I still feel like I'm failing him by taking care of myself and knowing that if I'm flat on my fucking back I'd be utterly useless to the entire household only slightly ameliorates that state of mind *sigh*

I feel badly broken...

~I don't want to deal with anything. I want to avoid everything. Every decision has a painful outcome. I just want to hide and forget.