The Divine Mr. M

~Another 'failed Sister' has come and gone, someone I'd known for half a dozen years, first on LJ, then on FB. She's not a bad person, just Immature and Insecure, which makes her Conflicted and Indecisive, which in turn generates a lot of Come Here/Go Away behavior, which is always fucking exhausting. But I persevered because the Work IS the Work.

Finally, after about six weeks of that, she pulled the plug totally, unfriending me everywhere, which effectively blocked me. I was a little annoyed because she didn't say a word and that's just fucking bad manners. But that passed and, in truth, I was relieved. It had been clear she was not cut out of this Work from fairly early on. She'd just talked herself into 'being in love with me.' Such is not the Work.

I did note that she has what I call The Self Esteem Syndrome, the whole “I'm Good Enough” paradigm the highly insecure use to get themselves out the door that it seems constantly turns into a belief that they “deserve The Best” when they often have done nothing beyond drawing breath to actually earn even The Minimum. Those suffering from this syndrome tend to get very frustrated and angry when their demands and desires are not met instantly.

I don't really blame them, though I do hold them Responsible. We are always Responsible for our behavior. However, there is this entire culture out here, an Industry in fact, that pushes that type of nonsense, one that may have started out with Good Intentions [we know where that leads] but has led to a culture of Infantile Entitlement. I got a belly full of that during those six weeks.

There is an old 12 Step saying; “If you want self esteem, perform estimable acts.” That is what has worked for me. Didn't get to tell her that before she bailed. Oh well...

~I've let the Matriarchal Calendar slide again. Just not that motivated to keep it going right now. *shrug*

~It's been a full year since I made a dedicated analysis of The State of The Explanation. In the interim I have written a number of things that will make their way into The Explanation in one form or another. I have noted that I need to address the work of Firestone and Haraway. And I discovered this wonderful early Second Wave essay on the need for structure aka hierarchy.

But I have not worked directly upon The Explanation itself, except for a few little edits here and there. The idea of facing it again still overwhelms me. I'm doing my best to allow myself time to recoup and recover...and the pressure I place upon myself regarding 'getting back to work' is self defeating. That's what my 'retirement' was really about. I had to pretend that I was 'giving up' simply to cut myself some slack.

At this point, I do not know what I can do about that beyond being gentle with myself. Of course, I look out at the world and despair on a day to day basis...

...and then I take a nap, which is usually the wisest thing I can do.

"The core of the Work is Self Knowledge.

Therefore much of my Work in preparing Sisters to *do* The Work is to push and prod and trigger.

Whatever shit bubbles up is what gets examined and worked on."

~Not Capital D depressed. Not 'crash and burn' depressed. Not paralyzed weeping on my bed depressed. Not suicidal depressed. Just a low boil depressed that dogs me.

I function more or less. I go shopping. I cook. I eat. I clean up. I brush my teeth and wash my ass. I smile and chat pleasantly when I'm 'out in the world'. And so on.

But it takes far more energy to do those things than it really should. And often doing so leaves me exhausted. Worst of all, it is very very hard to write.

I take my meds and supplements and get plenty of sleep. Not much more I can do.

If I was just some guy, well, that would all be fine.

But I am supposed to be Her Mother Fuckin' Prophet and the above makes that seem an impossible task...which of course reenforces my depression...