The Divine Mr. M

~It'll be my birthday in a couple of weeks and while I want many things, what I really need is money, especially the fifty bucks for new brake-pads and the fifty bucks to pay Rico to put them on. That is months overdue. I've been trying to squeeze out the cash to get it done, but we're just too tight. *sigh*

I'll take the money however y'all wish to give it; PayPal, cheque, money order or cash via snail mail. [PM me for the addy] Even five bucks in an envelope would be fine.

Oy...had to push the above out like a dry turd. Had this file sitting on my desktop for a week now with just the post title.

As is usual, in the month or so running up to my birthday, I'm twitchy as fuck, though not as twitchy as I have been in this window. The blood pressure meds I'm taking, supposedly to protect my kidneys from da beetus, knocked the shit outta me. I slept through nearly all of July. I just started cutting the dose in half and I feel somewhat better. But I had to have a 'breakdown' and a heart-to-heart with Le-Le before I got there.

I got a bunch of other stuff to bitch and moan about, but I'm trying to motivate myself to make a WinCo run. More later...I guess.

~I'm just finishing my breakfast cycle. Then I'll suit up and take Buckethead to the vet for x-rays and chit. If his chest is clear and there's no growth beyond his foot, then he'll go under the knife Sunday.

My whole body is taut, pulsing uncomfortable, like a mild anxiety attack. But I seemed okay until I started thinking about the 'practical details' of a post-amputation situation – feeding him with a collar still on, keeping said collar on for any length of time, etc – and I just fell apart, started sobbing like a baby. *sigh*

I feel this grief in my very bones. I don't know what else to say...

~Fucking miserable this morning. I fucking hate my birthday at the best of times. But today I am in serious physical and emotional pain. My lower back hurts and is causing pain in my butt cheeks and rear thigh muscles. And watching Icarus hobble around in pain breaks my heart.

I can't really focus on writing, though I keep making notes. The Temple's own birthday is the 30th, which also underscores have I have failed. I just fucking hate today....

~I just Tweeted, “I know I'm depressed when I cannot read Rilke... “ I found the complete Duino Elegies on line and I was unable to focus upon them. *sigh*

This last month burned me out for a number of reasons, most of which I've gone here over several times. And no, getting rid of the cats would not help. If anything it would spin both of us into a depression death spiral. I'm fairly certain it would actually kill Le-Le within a few months if she ever consented to such a course of action...

...anyway, we're taking another shot at the vet this am. Details to follow.

~Still massively tired...and bored of saying so. Even had a dream where I was frustrated that I couldn't write because I couldn't focus...along with a version of myself as Instructor who harassed me to keep trying. Oy.

Also my left eye is 'off'. Slightly weepy and I'm getting this crescent shaped flash when I look from side to side. Started last night when I went to Taco Hell. Le-Le said that reminded her of optical neuropathy, which can be caused by stress. Oh joy.

So I'm a right fucking mess. And I need to go shopping. That I'll do tonight when it's cooled down.

I'm very disoriented, too. It feels like we've been in this house for months and yet the park seems totally alien. Part of that is likely being so chemically fucked up. My head is 'off', as well. *sigh*

So much has shifted. Out of the mold. No Lawfare. Swamp cooler instead of AC, which means humidity in our air. I believe that has helped with my teeth as my mucus membranes are happy.

We need to get this house in order, but neither one of us has the energy to even get JR over here to help do that. Next week I expect.

Meanwhile, we're just sleeping and eating and surfing...

...man, this post is all over the place...